77. Stroke Recovery and Finding Strength: A Conversation with Jan Burl

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All right, it is we are live so welcome.

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Welcome to the podcast.

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Uh, Jan, nice to have you.

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Nice to see you again.

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I know we saw each other yesterday and a couple of times in the last week, but yeah, welcome to Survivor Science and uh, hopefully, you know, our, my audience or.

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Our audience, I guess, you know, we want to hear your story as a survivor and, uh, kind of get right into it.

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So I know I'm being Mr.

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Radio voice right now, but, um, yeah, we've chatted so much that, you know, for everybody listening, Jen and I have chatted a bunch in the last week.

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So.

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Now we're recording the episode and things are uh, it's not weird But it is a little weird when you talk to somebody and then you talk to them again and pretend like you haven't talked to Them so yeah, let's dig into your story.

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Jen.

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You're um, i'll let you take the reins.

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But yeah, welcome to the show Thank you, Will.

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It's wonderful being with you again, and I always love our conversations.

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Yeah, agreed.

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Um, I'd like to start out with doing breath work to calm everybody's over busy mind so that they can pay attention to what you and I say and feel more relaxed.

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Fair enough, and I actually need that as well, so I may close my, I'll leave my eyes open, but I'm, hmm.

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That's up to you.

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Mostly.

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So, let's begin by finding a comfortable position.

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You can be sitting down or you can be lying down.

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Close your eyes if it feels safe.

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Otherwise, stay here with me.

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I won't let you, anything happen.

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And take a deep breath in through your nose.

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Hold it gently for a count of three.

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And now, Slowly exhale through your mouth, letting out a soft sigh.

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Let's do that again.

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Inhale deeply, filling your lungs completely as much as you can.

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Hold for three.

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And when you let the air out, let go of anything that doesn't serve you as you breathe out.

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Feel all the tension leaving your body like a gentle wave as your shoulders relax.

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Now, bring your focus to the rhythm of your breath.

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Breathe in deeply, drawing in fresh energy.

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And, as you exhale, silently say to yourself, I let go.

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Inhale, calm.

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Exhale, I release.

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Inhale, peace.

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Exhale, I am free.

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With each breath, imagine anything weighing you down, dissolving into the air, leaving you lighter and more open.

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Feel your shoulders soften, your jaw unclench.

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And your mind clear.

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Let's take one more breath together.

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Inhale deeply.

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Hold for a moment.

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And exhale completely.

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Now when you're ready, gently open your eyes.

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Carrying this sense of ease with you.

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Into the present moment.

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Hello, everyone.

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Thank you, Jen.

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For those of Noah Previous listeners of previous episodes.

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No, I'm really into breathwork.

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And that was a nice nice opener.

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I appreciate that because I I'm sorry.

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I'm talking before I'm letting you go, but I had a really busy day yesterday One of the busiest I've had a long time and I did not get in my 15 miles yesterday.

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So I feel a little bit all over the place and I appreciate that because I need to kind of recenter, uh, this morning was very busy and I'm really looking forward to get back into the gym this afternoon after our chat and, uh, getting a little running in and getting some sauna time where I like to do my breath work and meditation.

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So great timing.

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Really?

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Neither that probably should have closed my eyes, but for, for those that might be watching, I didn't want to close my eyes the entire time because I thought it might be weird.

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So anyways, good to have you, Jan, and I'm sorry I let you take the reins and share your story.

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That's all right.

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I was adopted at birth by, um, a wonderful family, but unfortunately my mother lost to her demons and alcoholism took over and she became abusive.

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It changed my trajectory in life to being one of a people pleaser because I couldn't figure out what I was doing wrong to always make her feel so upset and so mad at me.

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Flash through a lifetime of people pleasing to my last partner who wanted to be a farmer and I had put so much into trying to make his dreams come true.

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I was actually sleeping two, three hours a night.

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Every night I'd get up at four o'clock in the morning and start baking and then I'd go out into the garden, do some weeding and do some harvesting for the day's farmer's markets.

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Then I'd go to the farmer's market and that's a whole nother story.

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They're, they're fun, but they're a lot of work.

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Come home, unload the truck, go back to baking, go back to outside and empty out the trailer.

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Head back out to the garden and do some more harvesting for the next, the next day.

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And end at about two o'clock in the morning with fresh loaves of bread just out of the oven.

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Yeah, and your body cannot maintain something like this for very long, and I did it for years.

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So, I was going in to get some fruit so I could make some nice fruit coffee cakes, and I fell to the ground.

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I said, uh oh, I knew I was having a stroke because my right side didn't work.

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So I called my son, told him, hung up on him, called my partner, told him, hung up on him and called 9 1 1.

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But by that point, I couldn't speak anymore.

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Luckily, we were connected, 911 and I, and the ambulance got to me.

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They took me to the local hospital.

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And you know something, Will?

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I have always wanted to ride in a helicopter.

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I got to ride in a helicopter, but unfortunately, I don't remember any of it.

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So I need another helicopter ride someday.

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I was flown over to Burlington.

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Where I was um, basically they were supposed to go into my brain and drain the fluid, the blood that had broken and was seeping into a huge section of my brain.

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But they didn't think I was going to make it because it was so severe.

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So they just sat back and three days later, I came to, I saw my daughter there who had flown in from Colorado and I couldn't speak, I couldn't move, I couldn't read, I couldn't write, and my cognitive abilities, well, if you showed me the picture of a banana, I'd say a tree or something very odd like that.

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So they didn't expect very much from any recovery.

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Because the damage was so severe, I was in rehab for six weeks and they figured that was as far as they could get me.

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So I was sent home.

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I had done hemi walking.

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I was in a wheelchair, but I could walk about 10 feet with a hemi walker, which is half of a regular walker.

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They had showed me how to take showers.

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in my wheelchair, um, how to cook things from a wheelchair.

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They taught me everything basic that I could do in my wheelchair with my left hand and there wasn't anything else they could do for me.

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So they sent me home, and I spent the next couple months with, um, OT and PT, and also speech pathologist.

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Right.

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Until they figured I could walk far enough that I could get down to a car that was sent to me from the county, uh, ride service.

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Right.

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To take me to physical therapy.

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I stayed in physical therapy from January until March, and they said, That's it.

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We can't help you anymore.

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And.

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I was basically set out on my own and let fly.

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Now, I had been a substitute teacher full time for over 20 years.

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And I knew all those kids at this school, and they had been keeping in touch with me.

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It was very strange, but even though I couldn't read, they could talk to me, and I could type on my phone.

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Even though I couldn't read what I was typing, I somehow did a pretty good job, and I could talk with them back and forth.

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And during this time, I was starting to pick up words that I still couldn't read, and The school called me and said, we'd like to have you come back in September.

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I'm like, Oh, I'd love to come back.

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None of the administration or the teachers knew that I couldn't read, that I was having problems with aphasia.

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And had a hard time speaking.

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But the kids took care of that.

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They were, oh my god, they were so amazing.

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They became my cheering committee.

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And they would meet me at the beginning of the day in whatever classroom I was in.

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They would write the teacher's notes up on the board.

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And they would read everything out loud.

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They didn't have to, but they did anyway because I could follow along and they, they checked to make sure I knew where they were.

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What's the next word, Ms.

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B?

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They'd say.

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So without those kids, I would not be where I am today.

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They helped me walk around the school.

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They would meet me on my periods off and sit and talk to me and talk and talk.

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And by the time I got home, I couldn't speak at all, but my abilities increased because of what they did.

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And I, I can't say enough for those kids and even some of the kids that were given up on by some of the other teachers because they were rough and they didn't listen and for some reason they always seemed to gravitate to me and talk with me.

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So they were some of my best helpers.

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Yeah, that's actually, that's, that's a really amazing and interesting story because I know it's a little different.

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Your students were not actually your children, but I had my stroke at 37.

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So two of my kids, well, all three of my kids were amazing.

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And so was my wife, but my kids were very similar.

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They were four and five at the time.

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They didn't really get it.

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I'm not sure they still get it because they're only like nine and 10, but they've always been very helpful.

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And, um, you know, I think it's interesting when you have a stroke, right?

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Cause you, once you sort of wrap your head around everything a couple months into it, you're like, okay, this.

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Is not ideal, but your abilities sort of do take a hit.

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You almost kind of go back to that age, childhood, young adult, where your handwriting or some things just change.

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Right.

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And you kind of got to go back to come forward.

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And I think that's kind of, I mean, it's terrible, but it's also nice to have those people around because it's like, okay.

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Not exactly the way I was going into things, but they're helping you because you're helping them and it's it's really interesting Before we continue on I just want to clarify so so you actually did you have a hemorrhagic stroke?

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Yes, I did and the doctors said that the hemorrhagic stroke had wiped out This is literal quote all my prime real estate which left me nothing but swamp and desert but as a farmer if you mix swamp and and sand together, you can get nice land again.

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So that's what I figured to do.

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And I kept working on it.

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That's, that's an amazing take because I think, you know, it's 50, 50, some people go one way, some people go the other, there might be an in between, but yeah, I mean, I think it's, it's amazing when I hear people kind of take a situation and try to make the best of it, I think that's really important for all survivors to know, and if you've kind of gone the one way, it's never too late to change, to be honest, I don't, I don't think, I think you can, you know, You can feel down, you can feel sorry.

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Like that first year, everybody generally doesn't feel great about it.

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You know, it takes some time.

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Some people take less time.

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Some people take more time.

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And I think that's a, that's a really key lesson that you touched on just there is that, um, you know, taking the opportunity to really take action, I guess, is, is kind of always been my thing.

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It sounds like it's your thing too.

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Like.

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You know, some people don't survive a stroke.

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I mean, it's, it's a little better, I think, number wise than it used to be, but it's still kind of 50 50 sometimes.

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I mean With hemorrhagic strokes, 26 percent survive, and out of that 26%, only 3 or 4 percent ever may regain anything half as what they once had.

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Yeah.

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They end up in wheelchairs, couch potatoes, because everybody gives up on them, so they give up on themselves.

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Yeah, it's interesting, right?

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I think we talked about it this week.

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I don't know if we chatted about it yesterday, but I Also was in a wheelchair the first year and a half and my insurance I mean my story is a little different, but they sort of were like, okay Let's give him a power wheelchair cuz he's definitely never gonna Go beyond power wheelchair and wouldn't you know it they put that in the house and it sat in the same place Well, no to be fair.

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It sat in the house from day one I didn't really use it mostly because it's very big even though I have an open concept house But I still have it sitting Taking up space in my house and I just look at it and I'm like I never want to be in that again Like beyond the day, I think I came here and I sat in it I've only ever sat in it just as an extra chair.

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So I just had a regular wheelchair and I did everything left handed.

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Regular wheelchairs are tricky, right?

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Like I think that was part of my motivation to get out of it is because my wife is like five foot two and I'm six foot eight.

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So you can imagine I didn't have a regular size wheelchair.

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So I was very adamant about getting out of it.

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One, I don't like being six, eight and sitting down all the time because I tried that.

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A couple of, you know, the first year I didn't have a choice in public, but I watching my wife's struggle to get the wheelchair in and out for me was really enough more than enough motivation for me to figure out a way to get out of that wheelchair.

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Cause it was just, I would see her struggle and my daughter's struggle.

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Cause she was in high school at the time.

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I was just like, I don't want to be that burden on people.

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Like, yeah, cause wheelchairs are not.

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I don't care if you're 100 pounds or 500 pounds, they're really not that fun to assemble and disassemble.

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They're not impossible, but they're really not ideal for long term if you can try to get out of it, I think.

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Agreed.

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Agreed.

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I was in it for about nine months, and then I started walking more confidently with the Hemi Walker, and I just refused to sit in it from that point on.

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And my then partner decided that he was not going to help me at all.

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Because I was alone so much of the time, he said, you have to know how to do it yourself.

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So he was hands off, which it was good.

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It made me struggle.

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It made me mad at myself that I couldn't do things that made me cry.

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And then I get up again and just go to it.

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So it wasn't a bad thing, at least not completely.

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Yeah, it's just with some of the other things that would have been nice.

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Yeah, it's, it's a, it's a really tricky balance for anybody out there who is not the actual survivor that may be a caregiver, caretaker, whatever, whatever word you want to use on the given week.

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It is tricky for them and for the survivor to figure out like, okay, how far do I push?

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When do I push?

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When do I ask for help?

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Finding that balance is tricky.

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I kind of agree with you.

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Like it's not the worst thing, but also it's nice to have a fallback sort of when you need it.

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Cause you want to be safe.

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At least in my mind, like I survived a stroke.

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It's like, I struggle with this, honestly, balancing things.

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Like do I run 20 miles a day?

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Or maybe I could just run five or 10.

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It's, it's a constant struggle, even five years out.

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Um, just before we keep going.

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for the audience.

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Uh, so you told your story a bit way.

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How long ago was your stroke?

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Just, uh, my stroke was July 25th of 2015.

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Okay.

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So you're coming up on 10 years this year.

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Yes, I am.

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Another big milestone.

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That's amazing.

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Um, yeah.

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So I guess Sorry, I kind of cut you off there.

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I get excited.

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Sometimes I jump in with tidbits or things that I think are really important that you're saying to reiterate to the audience.

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Um, So, so yeah, let's go back to that.

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You were you're kind of figuring things out So how those first couple years go once you started to walk, what was that?

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Like well, believe it or not those kids started me off and then I started picking up my kids My children were grown and gone, but I started picking up the board books that I'd kept.

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The ones that showed a cow and said cow underneath, and I started reading.

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That way, with children's books, a little at a time, and then, of course, the kids were getting me to read in school.

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So, my recovery, it started to come in leaps and bounds with the reading and the cognitive abilities, just because of all that constant, um, what's a good word for it?

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Constant reinforcement.

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And the COVID was Horrible because our school shut down and I had no job.

00:19:18.433 --> 00:19:19.463
I had nothing to do.

00:19:19.463 --> 00:19:24.723
And my daughter took the reins and said, mom, you ever think of going back to school?

00:19:25.854 --> 00:19:30.763
And I said, no, but she got me into thinking about it.

00:19:30.763 --> 00:19:32.203
And I always wanted to be.

00:19:34.269 --> 00:19:43.959
And I have been writing this memoir about everything I've gone through that I should be working on getting out into the, into Amazon this year.

00:19:45.088 --> 00:19:47.038
So I said, okay, yeah, I'll go back.

00:19:47.148 --> 00:19:48.798
I'll do it for creative writing.

00:19:49.098 --> 00:19:52.808
And I went to SNHU and they were wonderful with me.

00:19:52.848 --> 00:19:55.598
I graduated summa cum laude.

00:19:56.979 --> 00:20:16.834
And that is quite an accomplishment because the first two semesters, I would write a paper or write a poem and within 10 minutes, not remember what I'd written, which sounds horrible, but for editing was a lot of fun because it was like reading somebody else's paper.

00:20:17.894 --> 00:20:24.743
And you can actually hop right back into it if you can't remember it because it's, it's kind of fresh in your mind, so it's, you don't have to kind of step away maybe as long.

00:20:25.419 --> 00:20:40.808
Yeah, so if you turn things around that would normally depress someone and make it into a super power, you move forward and things don't bother you as much and you find different ways to deal with things.

00:20:41.278 --> 00:20:46.128
And then my mother came up with this neat little supplement.

00:20:46.169 --> 00:20:48.108
She said it was supposed to help the brain.

00:20:48.818 --> 00:20:50.689
I said, okay, it's called DHA.

00:20:50.689 --> 00:20:52.929
It's just, you can get it in Amazon.

00:20:53.838 --> 00:20:55.308
And I started taking that.

00:20:55.804 --> 00:20:58.644
And within three to four weeks, I was starting to remember.

00:20:58.983 --> 00:21:01.784
It was Like a lightbulb, I've come on.

00:21:02.334 --> 00:21:05.753
So my last two, um, terms were wonderful.

00:21:06.713 --> 00:21:06.993
Nice.

00:21:07.443 --> 00:21:09.493
Um, and then I got out.

00:21:09.534 --> 00:21:16.513
I became a assistant produ production assistant.

00:21:16.854 --> 00:21:16.953
Okay.

00:21:17.213 --> 00:21:17.653
There we go.

00:21:17.894 --> 00:21:23.153
Associate productive assistant for, um, an online poetry journal.

00:21:23.624 --> 00:21:28.044
Which has since closed down, unfortunately, because they were located in Israel.

00:21:28.534 --> 00:21:28.804
Okay.

00:21:28.903 --> 00:21:29.973
And it got too bad.

00:21:30.443 --> 00:21:32.233
But I did that on a volunteer basis.

00:21:32.898 --> 00:21:44.108
I started tutoring kids that were out in California for English in high school, and all of a sudden, I found this neat thing.

00:21:44.449 --> 00:21:52.169
Corey, um, Poirier is a wonderful speaker, and he writes books and everything, and he had a podcast.

00:21:53.388 --> 00:21:55.028
No, it, not, well, not a podcast.

00:21:55.038 --> 00:21:58.733
He had a, a, um, Like a live stream.

00:21:59.594 --> 00:22:02.713
No, it was everybody got together and he was for three days.

00:22:02.743 --> 00:22:04.894
It was, uh, oh, okay.

00:22:04.894 --> 00:22:09.594
Like a cohort kind of kind of like a class, but like a, yeah, cohort.

00:22:09.594 --> 00:22:10.933
I think it's like a shorter class.

00:22:11.324 --> 00:22:12.064
No, he calls it.

00:22:12.064 --> 00:22:12.564
So it's a.

00:22:13.074 --> 00:22:16.314
Oh, it's called so many things.

00:22:16.314 --> 00:22:17.233
It depends on the person.

00:22:17.233 --> 00:22:18.104
It could be a cohort.

00:22:18.104 --> 00:22:19.104
It could be a workshop.

00:22:19.114 --> 00:22:19.993
It could be a seminar.

00:22:19.993 --> 00:22:20.534
It could be.

00:22:21.304 --> 00:22:27.374
No, he was teaching and he had amazing people come in and he had, um, offers.

00:22:27.874 --> 00:22:33.144
If you tell your story quickly, you have a minute and a half to these podcasters.

00:22:33.173 --> 00:22:39.183
You could get on their podcast and I was lucky enough to be picked by James Miller.

00:22:39.884 --> 00:22:44.104
So that started my podcasting as a guest.

00:22:46.169 --> 00:22:52.429
At one point, one of the podcasters said to me, are you a coach?

00:22:53.269 --> 00:22:56.729
And I said, um, I'm not athletic anymore.

00:22:56.729 --> 00:23:03.058
I don't think I can coach anything because I had no idea what a coach was other than the sports.

00:23:03.778 --> 00:23:06.979
And I went into that and started searching things out.

00:23:07.009 --> 00:23:09.068
I got certified in NLP.

00:23:09.659 --> 00:23:12.048
I got certified in expert coach.

00:23:12.929 --> 00:23:18.759
And I've been doing, um, breath work to learn how to teach that.

00:23:18.769 --> 00:23:33.038
And my coaching has changed my life because I see how it changes other people's lives by telling them that what they're going through is normal.

00:23:33.118 --> 00:23:33.959
It's okay.

00:23:34.409 --> 00:23:34.939
And.

00:23:35.729 --> 00:23:37.038
We'll get through it together.

00:23:38.269 --> 00:23:51.019
There are days you just have to curl up in bed and cry and rage and feel sorry for yourself, but the next day you get up again, sweep yourself off and go back at it.

00:23:51.538 --> 00:24:02.463
The biggest thing that I'm doing though is Also, working with caregivers and loved ones because there is such a divide between people who have had a stroke and people who haven't.

00:24:02.923 --> 00:24:03.564
They don't know.

00:24:03.614 --> 00:24:04.794
They don't understand.

00:24:04.804 --> 00:24:05.884
And it's not their fault.

00:24:05.913 --> 00:24:14.374
And I'm glad they don't understand, but I work on very different things that they can do to understand themselves.

00:24:14.413 --> 00:24:19.003
I tell the caregiver what the stroke person is feeling inside.

00:24:19.364 --> 00:24:42.449
And I have also I've talked with many caregivers, so I tell this stroke person what their caregiver, what their loved ones are going through and thinking as well, and open up a whole new dialogue between them of understanding, or at least trying to understand and think outside the box because nobody's, nobody's recovery is the same.

00:24:42.459 --> 00:24:43.848
Nobody's injury is the same.

00:24:44.243 --> 00:24:44.604
Right.

00:24:44.693 --> 00:24:46.124
Nobody's recovery is the same.

00:24:46.124 --> 00:24:48.763
Nobody's situation is the same.

00:24:49.054 --> 00:24:55.574
There's really limited resources, almost no resources for how to navigate it.

00:24:55.624 --> 00:25:02.304
I think from both sides, it's, it's a really, gosh, it is a really.

00:25:02.743 --> 00:25:06.794
Uh, this is not the right word, but unusual is putting it mild.

00:25:06.923 --> 00:25:09.834
It's, it's, it's a cluster is what it is.

00:25:10.354 --> 00:25:11.923
Um, a cluster.

00:25:13.094 --> 00:25:14.263
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:25:14.564 --> 00:25:15.834
I use bad words all the time.

00:25:15.834 --> 00:25:22.163
I was actually, I was trying to refrain myself from the F word, but, uh, yeah, it's a clusterfuck it's it's.

00:25:23.273 --> 00:25:29.134
I sort of, I don't know how your experience was.

00:25:29.134 --> 00:25:33.644
Obviously we had a different situation, but like I was very.

00:25:34.588 --> 00:25:37.278
Lucky that I was cognitively there.

00:25:37.288 --> 00:25:42.058
So I became quickly aware that I was fucked for a lot, lack of a better word.

00:25:42.888 --> 00:25:46.888
So I was very appreciative of the nursing staff, the team at the hospital.

00:25:47.749 --> 00:25:52.739
I think I'm sure I was not easy to deal with for anybody, but I always sort of.

00:25:54.144 --> 00:25:55.943
Understood a little bit there.

00:25:55.943 --> 00:25:59.634
And I knew I tried to help my wife as much as I could.

00:25:59.634 --> 00:26:13.084
Like I was doing a lot of things at the hospital with the wifi, whatever I could do, I could try to do it to ease the burden because she was commuting back and forth from our house to the hospital daily with our kids.

00:26:13.084 --> 00:26:22.144
Like it was, thankfully I had a daughter who was driving at that point, but it's hard and I had family, but they were, they live across the country.

00:26:22.144 --> 00:26:23.993
Like they would come in, they would go out.

00:26:24.013 --> 00:26:25.134
Like it was just, it.

00:26:25.479 --> 00:26:26.209
It's hard.

00:26:26.798 --> 00:26:31.949
Honestly, getting home was a blessing and a curse.

00:26:31.979 --> 00:26:38.878
That wasn't a ton easier, but it felt easier initially, I guess, because it just felt like, okay, let's band together.

00:26:39.919 --> 00:26:41.269
But again, everybody's different.

00:26:41.269 --> 00:26:44.138
It's such a unique situation.

00:26:44.138 --> 00:27:12.604
And what you're doing, I think, is tremendous because I think, again, we talked about this this week, like there are You know, and to circle back, what you talked about earlier is like, you go to the hospital, you get as much therapy as you can until they kind of politely kick you out the door because your insurance might run out or, you know, their job really is to get you safe and to get you home because that for most people, they want to get home.

00:27:12.604 --> 00:27:12.804
Right?

00:27:12.834 --> 00:27:15.713
And so how can we get you home as fast as possible?

00:27:16.753 --> 00:27:17.894
Forget about the money thing.

00:27:17.903 --> 00:27:20.983
Like they just actually want to get you home and get you safe enough.

00:27:21.263 --> 00:27:25.564
Like, and then, so they kind of say bye and hand you a packet of information.

00:27:25.574 --> 00:27:30.453
You start going to doctors and it's, there's not a lot out there for afterwards.

00:27:30.493 --> 00:27:41.114
Like once reality sets in, I don't know where I was going with that, but it's, it's, it's an unfortunate situation that we hear over and over and over again from every survivor.

00:27:42.243 --> 00:27:51.523
Some luckier than others get a little bit more time, others do not, and some don't get any help, so it's, it's, it's wild, is what it is, really.

00:27:51.953 --> 00:28:08.324
I'm like you, I cannot sit still, at all, and I used to be a crocheter, so, come January, I was sitting in the house, couldn't go out because of the snow, and I decided, To start crocheting again.

00:28:09.594 --> 00:28:22.263
And it took me weeks of swearing and ripping out stitches and trying again, but I got to the point now with one arm, I can crochet my dragons.

00:28:22.273 --> 00:28:23.443
This is Saren.

00:28:23.943 --> 00:28:31.433
The reason I say it's Saren is because with my new degree, I write children's books.

00:28:31.943 --> 00:28:33.594
Let's see if I can get this so you can see it.

00:28:33.824 --> 00:28:34.294
Yeah, I can see it.

00:28:35.384 --> 00:28:41.114
As a way to give back to the genre that helped me out.

00:28:43.074 --> 00:28:56.173
So, I'm working on the third one, I'm working on a mid grade series, I'm working on a romance, a historical romance, and of course my memoir, and I write poetry.

00:28:57.098 --> 00:28:57.558
That's amazing.

00:28:57.558 --> 00:28:58.519
Do you want to hear a poem?

00:28:59.989 --> 00:29:00.489
Uh, sure.

00:29:00.788 --> 00:29:01.538
Yeah, absolutely.

00:29:01.878 --> 00:29:06.689
This is one I just wrote because I spent this Christmas completely alone and it was rough.

00:29:08.229 --> 00:29:08.439
Hmm.

00:29:08.608 --> 00:29:09.519
I would rather say.

00:29:10.858 --> 00:29:12.398
As the snow It's okay.

00:29:12.769 --> 00:29:18.338
As the snow flies quickly past, there is a cold touch on my skin.

00:29:18.828 --> 00:29:26.818
As I look to find emptiness, no warm arms, no heated kisses, no safe oasis for my heart.

00:29:27.558 --> 00:29:32.868
Alone in yearning, I close the doors and windows, locking everything out.

00:29:33.719 --> 00:29:37.489
Hope dissolves, all candles extinguished, yet.

00:29:38.503 --> 00:29:39.653
Dawn returns.

00:29:40.324 --> 00:29:40.953
Maybe.

00:29:42.074 --> 00:29:44.094
It is time to say goodbye.

00:29:44.284 --> 00:29:46.044
Goodbye to searching for.

00:29:47.013 --> 00:29:48.523
We are worth more than that.

00:29:48.544 --> 00:29:49.983
So goodbye to the wishing.

00:29:49.983 --> 00:29:51.233
Goodbye to the wasting.

00:29:51.233 --> 00:29:54.253
The short time left on this earth searching for.

00:29:55.253 --> 00:29:56.124
I am.

00:29:56.703 --> 00:29:57.723
You are.

00:29:58.500 --> 00:30:04.339
It is our time to be, and within that, find that it is enough to be here for others.

00:30:05.539 --> 00:30:18.749
So I light my candle and brighten a small corner of the world within, which I find is peace and love shared freely between friends, and that, that is more than enough.

00:30:20.690 --> 00:30:21.230
That's lovely.

00:30:21.259 --> 00:30:22.240
Thank you for sharing that.

00:30:22.279 --> 00:30:29.210
Um, you know, yeah, I was thinking there for a few minutes while you were reading the poem.

00:30:29.420 --> 00:30:34.839
Sorry, I was paying attention, but I was also thinking in my mind because I can't, can't stop moving.

00:30:34.999 --> 00:30:38.890
Um, sometimes that's, that's kind of my struggle is.

00:30:39.884 --> 00:30:46.345
I was thinking back to it because you touched on a couple of different things because your journey obviously now 10 years out just about this year will be your tenure.

00:30:47.404 --> 00:30:50.684
I hate when people call it stroke aversary, but I guess we'll go with that.

00:30:51.325 --> 00:30:56.144
I call it my birthday because that was the day the old me died and the new me was born.

00:30:56.900 --> 00:30:57.410
Yeah.

00:30:57.880 --> 00:30:58.150
Yeah.

00:30:58.150 --> 00:30:58.869
I mean that's that.

00:30:59.289 --> 00:31:00.460
To eat their own, I think.

00:31:00.460 --> 00:31:02.799
I haven't decided what I want to call it.

00:31:02.799 --> 00:31:18.299
I honestly, I just realized this, so I just had my five year anniversary, if you will, and I didn't even have the right date'cause I, for years I thought it was like the 23rd, but that was actually not correct, which is so wild to think that I had the wrong day.

00:31:18.420 --> 00:31:19.500
I was only up by a day.

00:31:19.500 --> 00:31:21.059
So it doesn't make a whole lot of sense.

00:31:21.450 --> 00:31:21.720
Don't feel bad.

00:31:22.045 --> 00:31:22.365
I did too.

00:31:22.674 --> 00:31:22.964
Yeah.

00:31:23.009 --> 00:31:25.019
I wasn't off by like a month or anything weird like that.

00:31:25.019 --> 00:31:25.589
But it's, uh.

00:31:26.660 --> 00:31:27.680
It's got me thinking.

00:31:27.690 --> 00:31:30.160
So you mentioned a couple different moments.

00:31:30.230 --> 00:31:50.440
Um, would you say there was a pivotal moment in your recovery journey where things started to click where, or maybe a moment where, because I can think back to a moment where sort of everything sort of changed for me, but there's a little micro moments up to that.

00:31:50.480 --> 00:32:01.444
Um, is there a particular moment when something really Kind of, it might be more than one, but like one, like it sounds like the children working with you at the school, that might've been a big sort of.

00:32:03.115 --> 00:32:09.683
That was pivotal for my recovery, but it all for myself was the day that.

00:32:10.400 --> 00:32:15.400
That podcast host asked me why I wasn't a coach.

00:32:16.269 --> 00:32:19.650
And since then, everything has fallen into place.

00:32:20.259 --> 00:32:29.460
And I've even with the podcasting and with everything else I do and the teaching, I can teach people how to paint left handed.

00:32:30.709 --> 00:32:37.140
And that is something that you have to find things to do to keep your mind occupied.

00:32:37.349 --> 00:32:37.549
Yeah.

00:32:37.680 --> 00:32:38.660
If you just sit.

00:32:39.194 --> 00:32:44.984
Your mind starts to loop in on itself and starts to depress you.

00:32:46.674 --> 00:32:50.804
So if you find things to do, yes, so you're doing it left handed.

00:32:50.804 --> 00:32:55.473
So you're back in third grade trying to paint a picture and get used to doing it again.

00:32:55.484 --> 00:32:59.184
But we have fun and that's what it's about.

00:32:59.203 --> 00:33:03.624
And life is beautiful regardless of how you are.

00:33:04.505 --> 00:33:13.734
Just because you are in it and you can still experience things like I have a grandson that turns One year old in two days.

00:33:13.934 --> 00:33:14.494
Oh nice.

00:33:14.494 --> 00:33:33.730
Yeah, that's that's a funny age as long as you're the grandparent not changing the diapers Glad I made it out of that phase before my stroke because I can't imagine trying to change a diaper with my hands are good but I don't feel like Yeah, I feel like a baby right now would be way too much overwhelming.

00:33:33.859 --> 00:33:38.819
Um, but yeah, I think, you know, it's, it's, it's so interesting, right?

00:33:38.819 --> 00:33:54.759
There's these moments that happened to us as survivors where things we never thought of or things we once thought of, but brushed aside, they kind of circled back and I want to get into the breathwork because I know you've been talking about that and I feel like.

00:33:55.200 --> 00:33:59.039
Looking back on my own journey, that was a big thing for me.

00:34:00.250 --> 00:34:10.269
Um, and I wish I had known about it sooner because like you, I'm from the East coast and I always thought, what is this breathwork stuff?

00:34:10.269 --> 00:34:11.559
Like it's woo woo.

00:34:11.708 --> 00:34:16.699
It always send a very California West coast, not to give them crap, but I'm going to give them crap.

00:34:17.719 --> 00:34:17.980
And.

00:34:18.650 --> 00:34:27.489
When I look, when I really open myself up to it, which is something I've done as a stroke survivor, I've really kept more of an open mind than I certainly had before my stroke.

00:34:28.780 --> 00:34:32.300
I was like, oh, breathing exercises.

00:34:32.639 --> 00:35:01.804
Like if somebody had just said it was breathing exercises to help you breathe better, I would have listened 20, 30 years ago when I was a kid playing sports, you know, when I was a bigger kid, but I would love sports, but I always Breathe through my mouth like most kids like you're just gasping for air and when you learn sort of these techniques It's wild because it's not complicated Generally, it's pretty like smooth.

00:35:02.025 --> 00:35:03.824
Honestly, it's it's so simple.

00:35:03.824 --> 00:35:04.795
You're just like, huh?

00:35:05.664 --> 00:35:28.978
Why did nobody ever mention these little tiny things like it's it's it's wild Right because I think about it from the athlete perspective You know, and there's many great benefits, but just even being able to breathe better as a kid playing sports, if you learn to control your breath and you focus on breathing, you can go much further, much longer.

00:35:28.989 --> 00:35:31.539
Like it's, it's, it's, it's really wild.

00:35:31.539 --> 00:35:39.110
And also simultaneously super easy, but people don't know it and people still kind of dismiss it a lot.

00:35:39.320 --> 00:35:40.820
And it's, it's wild to me now.

00:35:41.889 --> 00:35:47.889
I've been working with, um, not one on one, but Stephen Jaggers, who is part of SomaIQ.

00:35:48.400 --> 00:36:00.079
And I love the way he teaches because he goes at it in a peaceful way to help you control your mind so that, well, not control it, but quiet it.

00:36:00.530 --> 00:36:00.789
Yeah.

00:36:00.869 --> 00:36:04.309
So that you can listen and hear and relax.

00:36:04.349 --> 00:36:12.739
And it's a wonderful thing that I've been teaching a lot of the people that I work with I've seen so many wonderful results.

00:36:13.510 --> 00:36:31.429
I think there's so many benefits, you know, I think if more people understood the power of breathing and focusing, like I think back to kind of the before and after stroke, like before my stroke, I didn't have a lot of tools and I was drinking a lot, although it was very, like, Controlled.

00:36:31.460 --> 00:36:32.940
It was, it was not good.

00:36:33.070 --> 00:36:33.360
Right.

00:36:33.389 --> 00:36:34.780
And that's how you get to 500 pounds.

00:36:34.789 --> 00:36:36.639
You start drinking a lot of beer at six foot eight.

00:36:37.510 --> 00:36:40.748
And I was doing that to quiet my mind, but I didn't have the tools.

00:36:40.800 --> 00:36:48.509
Like I was always interested in meditation, but I couldn't figure it out for whatever reason, and same thing with breath work and like breath work.

00:36:48.820 --> 00:36:51.840
Can help you focus and just clear and center.

00:36:51.849 --> 00:36:56.329
And I know it sounds very woo woo, but it's so impressive.

00:36:56.380 --> 00:36:59.728
Like when you take it serious and you just try it, you're like.

00:37:00.144 --> 00:37:00.585
Wow.

00:37:00.664 --> 00:37:06.405
And it's one of these things that you can do and you can kind of learn and test in like 10 minutes.

00:37:06.425 --> 00:37:10.474
You could like, like I'll tell us, share for those that don't know.

00:37:10.744 --> 00:37:13.483
I very similar to Jan.

00:37:13.485 --> 00:37:19.065
I found a similar path, not the same person, but I learned that you could unblock your nose.

00:37:20.144 --> 00:37:25.385
And for me, I always breathe through my mouth because I, my nose was always stuffy and it's still always stuffy.

00:37:25.385 --> 00:37:28.414
Thanks to MS and cold weather here in Florida.

00:37:28.545 --> 00:37:31.195
I know I'm bitching about Florida weather, but it's cold and floor.

00:37:31.914 --> 00:38:04.775
And, um, Yeah, I learned to unblock my nose and that was kind of the thing that changed everything for me because then I was able to Nasal breathe and that led me down a whole rabbit hole really opened up my eyes to Calming the mind calming the brain slowing down some thoughts like You know, it sounds silly, but focusing on breath and taking 10 minutes to just sit up right in your chair, close your eyes, just breathe, or listen to a light meditation.

00:38:05.014 --> 00:38:07.474
Like, and you're like, you think about it.

00:38:07.474 --> 00:38:09.873
Sometimes we're sort of busy as East coasters.

00:38:09.875 --> 00:38:17.304
We tend to think like, go, go, go, go, go, but like, do you not have 10 minutes to just relax without any disruption?

00:38:17.304 --> 00:38:20.675
And once you kind of wrap your head around that, you're like, Oh, okay.

00:38:20.724 --> 00:38:21.173
10 minutes.

00:38:21.175 --> 00:38:23.195
And I feel great for the rest of the day.

00:38:23.195 --> 00:38:23.554
Or.

00:38:24.429 --> 00:38:38.264
It's a 10 minute break instead of like having a snack have a 10 minute Meditation and it's wild how it's changed my life and I don't know, it's really underestimated and I think, you know, maybe you feel this way too.

00:38:38.264 --> 00:38:47.954
It's like when you're in that wheelchair after a stroke or for any reason in a wheelchair, you can't, it's not like you could just go walk or you would, you're in a wheelchair.

00:38:48.914 --> 00:38:55.164
How great is breathing for circulation and just calmness and anxiety?

00:38:55.184 --> 00:38:58.054
Just like, Oh, I could be doing breath work.

00:38:58.675 --> 00:39:05.664
In my wheelchair and that's something very productive and I just wish looking back I had known it that first year because it's I don't know.

00:39:06.505 --> 00:39:23.054
It's one of the few things you can really do in a wheelchair Sorry, I went on tangent there But I just I'm so passionate about breathwork and I know so many people dismiss it because of the term I think sometimes and it's just I don't think people quite understand the benefits And there are so many.

00:39:24.554 --> 00:39:34.284
Even just like what we did at the beginning of this, um, just feeling your shoulders relax is a wonderful thing and the tension just leaves.

00:39:35.034 --> 00:39:35.855
It's amazing.

00:39:36.445 --> 00:39:37.554
It really is.

00:39:37.583 --> 00:39:42.724
And again, I think people sort of dismiss it sometimes and maybe I say it too much.

00:39:42.773 --> 00:39:45.034
Like I wish more people understood.

00:39:45.034 --> 00:39:49.695
I mean, I always reference back to, you know, I, I was.

00:39:50.889 --> 00:39:53.380
Recommended a book by my sister in 2020.

00:39:53.380 --> 00:39:57.739
Of course, I didn't read it for 18 months later because this is how I usually do things with my sister.

00:39:57.750 --> 00:40:00.298
She'll mention the thing and then I'll wait a year and a half to do it.

00:40:01.219 --> 00:40:07.179
But it was probably summer of 22 when I read Breath by James Nestor.

00:40:07.719 --> 00:40:09.989
And I forget the rest of the title, but that's the main title.

00:40:09.989 --> 00:40:16.019
It's like Breath, uh, Lost, The Science of the Lost Art or something to that effect.

00:40:16.050 --> 00:40:17.500
But Breath is the main title.

00:40:17.570 --> 00:40:21.340
And James Nestor wrote for New York Times and is like, you know, very well known.

00:40:22.360 --> 00:40:26.760
And I just went way down the rabbit hole and I was like, this is amazing.

00:40:27.099 --> 00:40:31.360
And like it worked and that's kind of how I got started running.

00:40:31.719 --> 00:40:35.309
Um, you know, people always ask me how'd you start running?

00:40:35.309 --> 00:40:37.260
Well, well, I laced up my shoes.

00:40:37.260 --> 00:40:44.989
I could walk enough and I just went outside and started trying like there was no magic pill to running, breathing better.

00:40:45.039 --> 00:40:48.429
And then fucking lacing up my shoes and going outside.

00:40:48.429 --> 00:40:49.139
That's how it worked.

00:40:49.139 --> 00:40:53.519
I want to tell you it was some magical other thing, but that's exactly what I did.

00:40:54.885 --> 00:40:56.204
And so, yeah, I don't know.

00:40:56.284 --> 00:40:59.114
I just, um, To me, that's amazing.

00:40:59.545 --> 00:41:01.744
Being outside is also very important.

00:41:01.795 --> 00:41:04.644
I can't have the gardens that I used to have.

00:41:04.985 --> 00:41:05.215
Right.

00:41:05.304 --> 00:41:13.315
But I still, in front of our house, I play with them and I work with them and I grow fruits and vegetables and all my flowers.

00:41:14.244 --> 00:41:20.704
It is such a cathartic feeling being out there and being surrounded by beauty.

00:41:21.565 --> 00:41:27.653
It's something, if I were in a city, I'd be going to a local garden that you can walk through if I could.

00:41:28.405 --> 00:41:32.514
But up here on the Canadian border, there really isn't very much.

00:41:33.364 --> 00:41:46.574
Right, but you're still, I think that's a good lesson, is that, like, You know, maybe things are different, finding out things that you previously enjoyed and finding a new way to re fall in love with those things.

00:41:47.574 --> 00:41:52.764
You know, I used to love woodworking, and I'm, I'm still, you know, I'm a little reluctant with woodworking.

00:41:52.775 --> 00:41:58.139
Like, I could do some Little things here and there, certainly not to the level I used to be able to do.

00:41:58.150 --> 00:42:03.710
And obviously when you have MS and you're a stroke survivor, you're like, all right, well, maybe I don't need to work a table saw.

00:42:03.750 --> 00:42:04.989
Cause I'd like to keep my fingers.

00:42:04.989 --> 00:42:07.300
Cause I've worked really hard to get my body in shape now.

00:42:07.989 --> 00:42:13.269
Like I'm, I'm not looking to accidentally cut off finger, but like, yeah, I can get out there and build little small projects.

00:42:13.269 --> 00:42:25.730
And I think that's a great lesson to share with survivors is that like, yes, it might be different, but you could also like slowly rebuild to, you know, find a way to love the thing that you loved.

00:42:26.110 --> 00:42:47.199
If, if you want to love it again and then just slowly rebuild, I know it's hard to hear, it's annoying to hear, but like try it and like one step or two steps and just keep stacking those steps until you, you know, maybe you only get to step three and you want to get to step 10, but hey, step three is better than step zero.

00:42:48.170 --> 00:42:49.329
You know, something I've been.

00:42:49.659 --> 00:42:50.780
Painting a lot of birds.

00:42:50.780 --> 00:42:51.800
I love this painting.

00:42:52.400 --> 00:42:57.639
It's by Cardinal because birds see things from a different perspective than we do.

00:42:58.019 --> 00:43:02.920
So I think of life as, okay, now I'm a bird.

00:43:02.920 --> 00:43:04.690
I've got to do things differently.

00:43:05.599 --> 00:43:06.869
There is a way to do it.

00:43:06.900 --> 00:43:14.360
Not sure how I'm going to have to fight with it and figure it out, but sometimes it takes a couple of weeks and then all of a sudden the.

00:43:15.074 --> 00:43:16.054
Lightbulb comes on.

00:43:16.054 --> 00:43:17.204
It's like, Oh, I can do that.

00:43:17.204 --> 00:43:18.054
I know what to do.

00:43:18.985 --> 00:43:25.505
But you have to look at things from a different perspective because you don't have what you had before the stroke.

00:43:26.684 --> 00:43:42.244
Yeah, and I think that is, again, it's super important because, and, and, you know, the biggest thing too is like, I say this a lot, you know, you might make like, I'll just give a really bad example, but you might make a list of things that you used to love, right?

00:43:42.264 --> 00:43:46.655
And then you kind of evaluate that list and see like, what would I like to do again now?

00:43:46.735 --> 00:43:47.014
Right.

00:43:47.025 --> 00:43:48.164
And then you try a thing.

00:43:48.164 --> 00:43:51.949
And if it's, Maybe you're not able to do as much as you want.

00:43:52.010 --> 00:43:56.409
So go to the next thing, like keep the list and reevaluate it constantly.

00:43:56.409 --> 00:44:06.829
Because I think over time, as you start to kind of begin the recovery journey and figure things out and get body parts moving, that it's so weird.

00:44:06.829 --> 00:44:16.699
If you just keep kind of doing things, like you'd be surprised how things kind of snap into place where you least expect or when you least expect it.

00:44:16.710 --> 00:44:17.480
If that makes sense.

00:44:18.695 --> 00:44:29.123
Which is something I, you know, again, I look back on my own journey and like the running, like I started running because I thought it'd be funny and it became a real obsession, but it really opened up a lot of other things.

00:44:29.284 --> 00:44:37.373
Like, I think my, my hand, somebody asked me recently, like, how'd you fix your hand?

00:44:37.373 --> 00:44:39.275
I, I'm like, I don't even know.

00:44:39.275 --> 00:44:44.304
I think I was just probably relying on my left hand and I was using my right hand as like a partner.

00:44:44.844 --> 00:44:47.795
Sort of my left hand became my right hand and vice versa because I was righty.

00:44:48.664 --> 00:44:49.713
But eventually it just kind of.

00:44:50.969 --> 00:44:54.960
I don't know, things just sort of work at some point.

00:44:54.960 --> 00:45:08.199
And if you just, you know, you got to be smart and take things easy and be safe, but also sometimes not overthinking things and just doing a thing or many things will just work.

00:45:09.498 --> 00:45:10.398
And it's really interesting.

00:45:10.398 --> 00:45:14.039
I think, um, I think a lot of people don't put enough stock into that.

00:45:14.059 --> 00:45:15.170
You know, like you said, you were.

00:45:16.840 --> 00:45:32.780
In your recovery journey, you were, um, obviously the first while you were recovering, but then you kind of went back into the school system, working with kids and those kids kind of helped you get a little bit further and things sort of started to click and obviously COVID didn't help anybody.

00:45:33.800 --> 00:45:49.409
But you pivoted again and like creative writing took you on another path and it's just really it's a very interesting story It's it's you know, I think a lot of us as stroke survivors are kind of figuring out what's the next move Where do we go?

00:45:49.409 --> 00:46:00.079
And sometimes it's just yeah, it sounds corny or It seems like it lacks focus, but you kind of just have to let yourself and your body figure things out.

00:46:00.300 --> 00:46:08.380
If that makes any sense, like, you know, have goals, have things you want to do, but also be open to other opportunities and things you're not expecting, I think.

00:46:09.338 --> 00:46:15.289
The only thing that I haven't done yet, yet is my favorite word because it leaves it open for me.

00:46:15.539 --> 00:46:16.039
Very important.

00:46:16.280 --> 00:46:19.369
To get back out on the water, sailing and kayaking.

00:46:19.780 --> 00:46:20.239
I miss that.

00:46:21.000 --> 00:46:33.599
But everything else that I did before I can do now different ways, a little bit slower than I was, but there isn't anything you can't do if you take the time to figure it out.

00:46:34.619 --> 00:46:47.119
That is another excellent point is that I, I have struggled with this the first five years is sort of accepting the, I can do most of everything I used to be able to do.

00:46:47.159 --> 00:46:54.889
I'm still struggling with the fact that like I get frustrated or disappointed with myself.

00:46:55.590 --> 00:47:17.278
When I can't do things as fast as I used to be able to do them, but I constantly try to remind myself that, and this is going to sound a little arrogant and I don't mean it to, but I think I was used to such a speed that was so significantly different than the majority of people that like my speed now is normal.

00:47:17.994 --> 00:47:20.855
But I just want my speed now to be at the speed it was.

00:47:21.025 --> 00:47:36.123
And maybe that's part of the stroke journey is that like, and I always look at it this way too, is like to have a stroke at 37, you have to do some pretty sick, like to have any ischemic stroke, at least like you have to do some, I didn't have a brain bleed.

00:47:36.125 --> 00:47:43.155
I had a ischemic stroke, so I had to do some pretty significant damage to myself, my brain and my body to kind of go through that.

00:47:43.204 --> 00:47:47.735
Obviously every situation is unique, but I look at it as though I was doing a lot of things wrong.

00:47:48.125 --> 00:47:50.965
And my body's like, listen, I'm going to give you two options.

00:47:51.144 --> 00:47:53.994
You're either going to have a stroke and live, or you're just going to.

00:47:54.659 --> 00:48:00.400
be done at 37, and I feel very lucky and fortunate to, to have that second chance at life.

00:48:00.400 --> 00:48:07.458
That's why I'm so passionate about helping other stroke survivors doing this podcast, help helping people get together, find resources because it's exhausting.

00:48:08.070 --> 00:48:08.880
It's tiring.

00:48:09.119 --> 00:48:10.539
You know, you've been on the journey.

00:48:10.548 --> 00:48:12.079
There are limited resources.

00:48:12.079 --> 00:48:16.030
There are limited helpful resources, and it takes a lot of work.

00:48:16.070 --> 00:48:16.900
And so.

00:48:17.914 --> 00:48:37.099
Uh, the point of that is getting back to the things I think a big point for most people is like you can get back to where you used to be, but also give yourself some grace and recognize that you may not be able to do it the way you used to, but also think of it from the other side, the early days when you don't think you'll be able to do anything and doing it.

00:48:37.920 --> 00:48:40.739
Again, and slower is better than not being able to do it at all.

00:48:42.010 --> 00:48:42.289
True.

00:48:42.289 --> 00:48:45.219
And when those frustrations come up, what do you do?

00:48:45.769 --> 00:48:51.550
Take a very deep breath and calm yourself down and then you can get back to things.

00:48:52.014 --> 00:48:52.445
Yeah.

00:48:52.675 --> 00:48:57.355
I mean, before my stroke, I could not crochet a stuffed animal.

00:48:58.614 --> 00:49:02.914
I could do blankets and shawls and shirts and stuff, but that was it.

00:49:03.255 --> 00:49:07.094
And now, with only one hand, I'm creating all sorts of things.

00:49:07.153 --> 00:49:10.505
Puppets for kids and, oh well.

00:49:10.925 --> 00:49:13.905
I can go on, but yeah, I mean, that's, that's true too.

00:49:13.905 --> 00:49:14.164
Right?

00:49:14.195 --> 00:49:23.664
Like, uh, so I was so focused on my working career before my stroke that I, I wasn't, I never neglected my children.

00:49:23.844 --> 00:49:25.014
They were still very young.

00:49:25.085 --> 00:49:32.474
So like, they weren't like kind of at that age where we can go, but now working from home working for myself, like I, I spent time with my.

00:49:32.795 --> 00:49:34.844
Boys in particular, cause my daughter's a little older.

00:49:34.875 --> 00:49:37.715
She's, she's got her own life a little bit, even though she lives at home.

00:49:38.454 --> 00:49:41.195
But I go outside and play with my boys almost every evening.

00:49:41.764 --> 00:49:44.164
If they want to, you know, not every day to do they want to.

00:49:44.934 --> 00:49:46.994
There are, they're very much Florida boys now.

00:49:47.034 --> 00:49:48.333
They don't like if it's under 50.

00:49:48.375 --> 00:49:52.675
So we haven't been out this week, but I have the opportunity and availability.

00:49:52.675 --> 00:49:57.244
And I want to make that time to go throw the football, to try to play basketball.

00:49:57.255 --> 00:50:02.434
Although it's not as pretty as it used to be because of the stroke, but basketball, you, you know, just.

00:50:03.664 --> 00:50:04.875
Perspective changes.

00:50:04.894 --> 00:50:12.394
And I think that's super important because things that I wasn't into, I'm now into like breathwork and meditation.

00:50:12.405 --> 00:50:13.864
I've taken that again.

00:50:13.864 --> 00:50:22.445
It's, it's changing the perspective and being open to things that maybe you weren't open to before, and you kind of experienced life in advance.

00:50:23.905 --> 00:50:26.255
I'm not going to say better or worse, I guess, just different.

00:50:26.465 --> 00:50:30.065
And it's, it's, it's interesting, I guess, is, is where I'm going with that.

00:50:30.094 --> 00:50:32.635
It's, I don't know.

00:50:33.074 --> 00:50:35.853
I feel like there was a question there, but I guess I didn't have one.

00:50:35.873 --> 00:50:42.893
Um, so yeah, we talked about a little bit about you are kind of focusing on coaching and writing now.

00:50:42.923 --> 00:50:47.454
It seems like you're like the majority of stroke survivors I speak to.

00:50:47.454 --> 00:50:52.525
It's like you, you know, I know you're obviously everybody's different.

00:50:53.054 --> 00:51:02.344
But in a sense, we're similar, like I know you don't run 20 miles a day, but in a sense, you're running 20 miles a day because you're writing, you're coaching, you're helping people, you're doing a lot of different things.

00:51:03.295 --> 00:51:04.085
I agree.

00:51:04.144 --> 00:51:06.045
Um, staying active is important.

00:51:06.045 --> 00:51:07.384
I think it's stroke recovery.

00:51:07.965 --> 00:51:14.454
And I think another good lesson to learn is that it's a continual process, right?

00:51:14.454 --> 00:51:16.375
And you're about to come up on 10 years.

00:51:16.375 --> 00:51:28.445
I'm sure the things you maybe wish you learned sooner, but also I think it's a good point because I kind of, I get stuck on this sometimes I'm like, Oh, I'm five years out.

00:51:28.445 --> 00:51:30.083
I should be much better at a lot of things.

00:51:30.244 --> 00:51:31.813
I'm like, it still takes time.

00:51:31.985 --> 00:51:33.835
Like it still takes time.

00:51:34.554 --> 00:51:35.204
Tell you a secret.

00:51:36.019 --> 00:51:38.579
I do 200 sit ups every other day.

00:51:38.619 --> 00:51:40.050
I couldn't do that before.

00:51:40.579 --> 00:51:40.829
Yeah.

00:51:42.159 --> 00:51:42.420
Yeah.

00:51:42.420 --> 00:51:46.530
I mean, honestly, I hated running my whole life, even though I was an athlete and played sports.

00:51:46.670 --> 00:51:50.730
But once I got off the field or off the court, I didn't want to run for shit.

00:51:51.559 --> 00:51:53.800
I still don't want to be that kind of runner, air quote.

00:51:53.838 --> 00:51:55.349
Like my wife is a marathoner.

00:51:55.349 --> 00:52:02.900
I have no interest in signing up for marathons or doing any of those things, even though I've ran more than a marathon on some days, depending on the weather.

00:52:02.949 --> 00:52:06.085
And it's, uh, It's interesting, right?

00:52:06.195 --> 00:52:35.275
It, it, it, it's kind of funny, and a little bit fun, and I guess, I guess the point is, like, listen, it's not, this is a club nobody wants to be a part of, and if you can Do everything like I know our stories are different, but I, I take a lot of onus on my, my stroke because I believe I was doing a lot of things wrong and I could have been doing them very differently and I could have very much avoided my stroke, whereas it does sound like, you know, you had a little bit of the sleep thing, but like.

00:52:35.804 --> 00:52:40.324
Otherwise, you weren't unhealthy really other than the lack of sleep.

00:52:40.445 --> 00:52:41.414
I was.

00:52:41.445 --> 00:52:43.425
Um, my veins are very brittle.

00:52:43.855 --> 00:52:48.974
So I had my blood pressure was raised and it just shattered my veins in my head.

00:52:49.443 --> 00:52:49.884
Okay.

00:52:50.134 --> 00:52:50.523
All right.

00:52:51.454 --> 00:52:52.034
Fair enough.

00:52:52.074 --> 00:52:53.284
I mean, some of them.

00:52:53.494 --> 00:52:53.773
Yeah.

00:52:53.773 --> 00:52:53.864
Um, I.

00:52:54.733 --> 00:52:56.304
I don't know what was the point of that.

00:52:56.313 --> 00:52:56.693
I'm sorry.

00:52:56.704 --> 00:52:59.523
Um, I don't know.

00:52:59.523 --> 00:53:11.284
I had a point there, but I think it's like, it's a lot of every stroke is different and I think a lot of us probably feel like we could have done things differently and we probably are doing them differently now as a result.

00:53:11.313 --> 00:53:16.003
Because again, not everybody survives and those that do feel very fortunate.

00:53:16.043 --> 00:53:19.853
I know I do like, it's not always as sunny and bright as I would like it to be.

00:53:19.853 --> 00:53:21.813
But you know, that's part of stroke too.

00:53:21.853 --> 00:53:22.713
That's part of life.

00:53:22.764 --> 00:53:24.344
It doesn't matter if you're a stroke surfer or not.

00:53:25.364 --> 00:53:31.014
Everybody has up and down days and it's, it's, you know, we try to make it different sometimes as stroke survivors.

00:53:31.043 --> 00:53:40.083
It's just our perspectives shifts and we think it might be related to stroke, but then you look at somebody else and you're like, well, no, it's just, it's just age and it's just living.

00:53:40.094 --> 00:53:40.934
It's part of life.

00:53:41.003 --> 00:53:43.173
Um, again, it's not a club.

00:53:43.173 --> 00:53:44.594
Anybody wants to be a part of.

00:53:44.764 --> 00:53:49.893
So I always highly recommend people watch what they put in their body.

00:53:49.943 --> 00:53:55.693
Um, you know, be mindful, but I think I certainly have a new appreciation for life and food and.

00:53:57.009 --> 00:53:58.938
Not doing the bad things that I once was doing.

00:53:59.179 --> 00:54:00.429
I focus on sleep.

00:54:00.539 --> 00:54:05.708
I don't know about you, Jan, but I like to get my, I try pretty hard to get about eight hours, at least seven.

00:54:06.889 --> 00:54:11.748
And if I don't get seven, I am a big giant six foot eight cranky ass baby.

00:54:11.778 --> 00:54:14.239
Like I do not like it.

00:54:15.009 --> 00:54:19.728
Hey, which is funny because I sometimes will watch a thing at night to relax.

00:54:20.099 --> 00:54:25.599
You know, I do a lot of relaxing, relaxing and meditation in the evening to wind down again.

00:54:25.599 --> 00:54:28.469
That sounds corny, but it helps me with all the running and recovery.

00:54:29.409 --> 00:54:43.148
It's just, uh, But sometimes I will stay up a little later than I want to and then I get pissed at myself in the morning when I have to wait, you know, it's, it's, yeah, I don't know, I don't know where I was going with that, but I think it's, it's just a funny and interesting journey.

00:54:43.898 --> 00:54:48.068
If it makes me feel better, I need to play calming music for two hours.

00:54:52.719 --> 00:55:01.809
Yeah, that's, that's interesting.

00:55:02.219 --> 00:55:05.858
Cause you would think you survive a stroke and you would think.

00:55:06.278 --> 00:55:08.639
Cause, cause that's how my mind worked before the stroke.

00:55:08.659 --> 00:55:11.438
And you would think after the stroke, you wouldn't be that way.

00:55:11.438 --> 00:55:12.889
But I think so.

00:55:13.398 --> 00:55:14.739
So you see, you experienced that now.

00:55:14.778 --> 00:55:17.628
Have you experienced that from day one or were the first couple of years?

00:55:17.648 --> 00:55:18.259
Not quite that.

00:55:18.298 --> 00:55:18.648
Okay.

00:55:18.668 --> 00:55:19.719
So that you've always been that way.

00:55:21.048 --> 00:55:21.369
Okay.

00:55:21.369 --> 00:55:36.509
So for the first two years, I wasn't that way, but the last two or three, somewhere in the middle, like it's weird when I started running, it's great because that really propelled me to another level of losing weight.

00:55:36.704 --> 00:55:37.844
Which was not the intention.

00:55:37.844 --> 00:55:42.603
I just wanted to do it fun and for health long term and for the MS.

00:55:42.603 --> 00:55:45.483
Cause running really helped me feel better day to day.

00:55:45.494 --> 00:55:56.784
So, um, I think I'm so tired from the running that my brain doesn't have a, have that problem as much at night, but I do have that experience sometimes.

00:55:56.815 --> 00:56:03.923
Whereas like, like the first two years, I was pretty easy going on myself in that sense, but now it's like, I want to do this.

00:56:04.114 --> 00:56:04.574
I want to do that.

00:56:04.603 --> 00:56:08.233
And I'm kind of, I feel like I'm almost slipping back into my old ways.

00:56:08.273 --> 00:56:09.414
I don't know if you ever feel that way.

00:56:09.483 --> 00:56:12.454
And I have to watch it, at least for myself.

00:56:12.963 --> 00:56:14.974
Oh, I remember the word masterclass.

00:56:14.974 --> 00:56:15.903
Ah, yes.

00:56:16.713 --> 00:56:17.373
Masterclass.

00:56:17.373 --> 00:56:28.773
But I, until this last time when I was in a breath work masterclass, my brain has been going 150 miles an hour, like it always did.

00:56:29.253 --> 00:56:29.403
Right.

00:56:29.494 --> 00:56:35.094
But this time I actually broke through and learned how to make it quiet.

00:56:35.719 --> 00:56:39.228
Mm-hmm . Learned how to let it just be, and it was.

00:56:40.114 --> 00:56:41.434
The most amazing thing.

00:56:43.373 --> 00:56:43.653
Yeah.

00:56:43.653 --> 00:56:50.393
I think what also helps me whether fortunate or not, so you can see like there's a little redness on my nose.

00:56:50.393 --> 00:56:51.483
So I now have.

00:56:51.994 --> 00:56:55.063
I probably don't need it, but I got diagnosed obviously right after my stroke.

00:56:55.384 --> 00:56:58.184
Unfortunately, after not before with sleep apnea.

00:56:58.193 --> 00:57:02.704
And I wear my mask religiously because I feel like, I don't know.

00:57:02.764 --> 00:57:03.873
I don't want to have another stroke.

00:57:03.914 --> 00:57:05.034
Why not wear the mask?

00:57:05.043 --> 00:57:06.324
Cause it doesn't really bother me.

00:57:07.264 --> 00:57:09.184
And I kind of think that knocks me out almost.

00:57:09.193 --> 00:57:11.083
It's, it's kind of like a white noise machine.

00:57:11.534 --> 00:57:12.463
Some people don't love it.

00:57:12.483 --> 00:57:13.614
I honestly love it.

00:57:13.744 --> 00:57:14.693
And I think I don't love it.

00:57:14.704 --> 00:57:20.603
Cause I'm like, well, I now feel like if I wear this mask every night, there's no chance I'll have a stroke again.

00:57:20.603 --> 00:57:22.304
Cause I don't want to go through this again.

00:57:23.548 --> 00:57:35.469
Probably also why I started running because, you know, I think we're both lucky in the sense because we've met some other survivors that have a multiple strokes and I do not want to be a multiple stroke person.

00:57:35.699 --> 00:57:40.938
No offense to many out there, like whatever I can do to never have to do this again would be.

00:57:42.063 --> 00:57:45.523
That's I, that, that is something I've committed to like long term.

00:57:45.523 --> 00:57:47.414
I, yeah, I will never smoke.

00:57:47.414 --> 00:57:48.103
I will never drink.

00:57:48.103 --> 00:57:50.003
I will never do any of that crap ever again.

00:57:51.353 --> 00:57:56.974
And I, um, I don't know, it helps me get to sleep.

00:57:56.974 --> 00:57:59.784
So I think it's kind of like my white, white noise machine.

00:57:59.793 --> 00:58:09.014
And, um, You know something, your stroke was your superpower because it kept you here and straightened your life out.

00:58:09.838 --> 00:58:10.309
It did.

00:58:10.518 --> 00:58:10.949
It did.

00:58:10.958 --> 00:58:11.878
It certainly did.

00:58:11.909 --> 00:58:15.088
Um, it's funny, right?

00:58:15.088 --> 00:58:16.469
It's not the way I wanted it.

00:58:16.509 --> 00:58:18.498
And I, I've said this before too.

00:58:19.458 --> 00:58:24.898
I would have preferred to just have a stern talking to and figured it out before it was too late.

00:58:25.018 --> 00:58:26.009
But would you have listened?

00:58:27.099 --> 00:58:33.664
Uh, Yeah, I might not have, but I always struggle with that too.

00:58:33.664 --> 00:58:49.733
Cause I'm actually, despite my six foot eight frame, I'm actually a pretty good rule follower and I think if somebody is stern enough with me now, it does take a special level of sternness and it does take a special level of discipline.

00:58:49.954 --> 00:58:55.384
Like, I think, so to be clear, I love my wife.

00:58:55.563 --> 00:58:56.583
I think she's amazing.

00:58:56.693 --> 00:58:57.634
I love my children.

00:58:58.173 --> 00:58:59.733
I'm not sure I would have listened to my wife.

00:58:59.753 --> 00:59:01.934
In fact, my stroke happened in the hospital.

00:59:01.934 --> 00:59:06.434
My wife looked at me and said, I'm having a stroke and I brushed it off.

00:59:07.123 --> 00:59:09.364
And so did the doctors in the hospital.

00:59:10.373 --> 00:59:14.233
So I think it depends who it would come from.

00:59:15.853 --> 00:59:24.253
And I just think if somebody had a stern talking with me, I would have maybe tried to change because I'll go back even further, Jan.

00:59:24.253 --> 00:59:26.574
So my stroke was December of 2019.

00:59:28.514 --> 00:59:35.224
Spring of 2019, I actually stopped smoking cigarettes and I switched over to the vape.

00:59:35.284 --> 00:59:38.893
Now, that's not a big deal, but it is kind of a shift for a smoker.

00:59:39.713 --> 00:59:48.614
And I actually stopped drinking for about three months cold turkey, but we were moving that summer from Virginia to Florida.

00:59:48.623 --> 00:59:54.784
And when we got to Florida, I started drinking in the evenings again, and I started smoking again.

00:59:54.884 --> 00:59:57.184
And I just looked back at the time and I wish.

00:59:59.644 --> 01:00:03.255
I wish I had never restarted and I'm not even sure why I did.

01:00:03.255 --> 01:00:09.324
I'm sure it had a lot to do with the stress of moving a family halfway across the country, even though it's only on this coast.

01:00:11.164 --> 01:00:13.855
But yeah, um, so maybe I would have listened.

01:00:13.864 --> 01:00:15.074
Maybe I wouldn't have.

01:00:16.135 --> 01:00:16.824
It's interesting.

01:00:17.264 --> 01:00:22.635
I struggle with that sometimes, but, uh, either way, I'm glad to not be either of those things anymore, I guess.

01:00:22.644 --> 01:00:22.864
So.

01:00:23.835 --> 01:00:29.894
I wouldn't have listened because I don't, I still don't, if somebody says I can't do something, I say, watch me.

01:00:30.844 --> 01:00:31.784
Yes, me too.

01:00:31.784 --> 01:00:39.175
And I think that is actually, you know, I know we're coming up on the hour mark here, but I think that is an excellent takeaway.

01:00:39.304 --> 01:00:46.114
Um, and of course, if you have anything else you want to add, but I do think that's a really important lesson for stroke survivors.

01:00:46.844 --> 01:00:49.385
I feel that way because I come from a sports background.

01:00:49.385 --> 01:00:50.764
I love playing sports.

01:00:50.815 --> 01:00:53.485
Um, again, I'm six foot eight.

01:00:53.525 --> 01:00:56.255
I don't take no's very well.

01:00:56.264 --> 01:01:01.005
And when somebody says you can't do something, I say, watch me and I make it happen.

01:01:01.835 --> 01:01:06.885
And I love that attitude that you have, Jan, because I, not everybody has that attitude.

01:01:06.905 --> 01:01:28.099
And I think It certainly can hurt us, but when you become a survivor, I think it is, I'm not saying it's the only way, but I think it certainly is a helpful mindset to have, um, at least in my view, uh, I just, I wouldn't know how to do it any other way personally, but I think it's helpful.

01:01:28.530 --> 01:01:44.478
When it comes to stroke and recovery because it just gives you that Motivation to get up on shit days to kind of push through and to figure things out again Nobody wants to figure this out, but it helps and I don't know what else helps I'm sure there's lots of other things.

01:01:44.478 --> 01:01:55.900
I'm not thinking about but I think that's a great takeaway Um, is there anything else you want to chat about or talk about or could I close this out today with a mindful meditation?

01:01:56.260 --> 01:01:57.250
Sure, absolutely.

01:01:57.260 --> 01:01:57.650
Yes.

01:01:57.650 --> 01:01:58.230
I'm sorry.

01:01:58.239 --> 01:02:07.030
I forgot all about that because we were chatting and I knew that and I totally I will tell you though That my favorite phrase is make every day an exceptional day.

01:02:07.389 --> 01:02:10.050
Yeah, because it's exceptional because you're here.

01:02:11.239 --> 01:02:16.880
I love that I think that's uh, that's a that's a great is that a particular quote to anybody or is that just a phrase?

01:02:18.025 --> 01:02:18.425
Oh, okay.

01:02:18.574 --> 01:02:18.815
All right.

01:02:19.054 --> 01:02:19.295
Yeah.

01:02:19.304 --> 01:02:23.045
I feel like I've heard similar, but I think I'm sure we've all heard some like, I don't know.

01:02:23.144 --> 01:02:24.985
At this point it's 2024.

01:02:25.054 --> 01:02:32.465
Everybody in the history of the world has made a quote or done a thing and who knows if anything's ever attributed to the right place or time anyway.

01:02:32.465 --> 01:02:33.693
So, okay.

01:02:33.715 --> 01:02:34.474
I'll shut up Jan.

01:02:34.474 --> 01:02:37.144
So you can kind of let us out with the meditation.

01:02:37.445 --> 01:02:37.824
Okay.

01:02:37.824 --> 01:02:39.215
We're going to anchor in peace.

01:02:40.514 --> 01:02:44.994
As we prepare to close, let's take a moment to ground ourselves in mindfulness.

01:02:46.090 --> 01:02:50.170
Imagine you are standing at the edge of a vast, serene ocean.

01:02:51.170 --> 01:02:57.349
The air is crisp, the waves are gentle, and the horizon stretches endlessly before you.

01:02:59.239 --> 01:03:05.630
With each inhale, feel the cool ocean breeze filling your lungs, bringing renewal.

01:03:06.864 --> 01:03:15.284
With each exhale, let go of any lingering tension sending it out to sea where it can drift far, far away.

01:03:16.623 --> 01:03:28.855
Now bring to mind a single word that represents how you want to feel peaceful, strong, calm, or any word that speaks to you.

01:03:30.135 --> 01:03:33.715
As you breathe in, silently repeat that word to yourself.

01:03:35.405 --> 01:03:39.534
As you exhale, feel it settling deeper into your heart.

01:03:41.224 --> 01:03:43.114
If your mind wanders, that's okay.

01:03:43.864 --> 01:03:48.715
Gently bring it back to the rhythm of your breath and your chosen word.

01:03:49.675 --> 01:04:00.755
Let this moment remind you that no matter how chaotic life may feel, there is always a quiet place within you, like the stillness of the ocean's depths.

01:04:01.034 --> 01:04:02.965
It's waiting to bring you peace.

01:04:04.344 --> 01:04:10.684
Take a final deep breath in and hold it for a moment and exhale slowly.

01:04:11.875 --> 01:04:14.724
When you're ready, return to the space around you.

01:04:15.235 --> 01:04:21.293
Wiggle your fingers, wiggle your nose, knowing you carry this calm with you wherever you go.

01:04:22.690 --> 01:04:27.699
Peace and love coming your way and please remember to make every day an exceptional day.

01:04:31.480 --> 01:04:31.880
Thank you, Jan.

01:04:32.050 --> 01:04:32.909
That was wonderful.

01:04:33.130 --> 01:04:37.639
Um, I appreciate that and I will say goodbye to everybody.

01:04:37.639 --> 01:04:38.119
I'll stop.

01:04:38.119 --> 01:04:41.960
Hey, I'll hit stop recording and we can chat for a minute after this.

01:04:41.960 --> 01:04:42.940
So thanks everybody.

01:04:42.940 --> 01:04:43.699
We'll see you soon.