71. Stroke Survivor Rachel Abbasi: From Sobriety to Navigating Invisible Disabilities and Building Recovery Daily

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Hey. Hey. Hey. Welcome this week to another full episode of Survivor Science Podcast. My name is Will Schmear, and, you already know that. So if you're new here, welcome. If you're not, good to see you. It is the week before Christmas here in December of 2024. This week in episode not 50, 71.

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I talked to Rachel Abbasi. Rachel is a podcaster.

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She is a recovering alcoholic. She is also a stroke survivor, so we have a lot of commonalities. We had a great conversation. This is a really good episode. I think you'll enjoy it. Rachel's, an amazing person with a great story. I don't know if great is the right word, but, yeah, she's got a really interesting story. Great for her that she's overcome things. I think it's a lot you know, there's a lot of good things we can all learn from Rachel's story.

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I know she and I are not alone. There are probably many others out there that have had similar experiences. Her different, than mine, but either way, the good news is we're both stroke survivors. We're both living. We're both pushing on.

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We're both recovering alcoholics, although I call myself a former alcoholic because I never plan on going back. Stroke for me made that very clear. I do not want that a part of my life. I didn't place. I just got stuck in my own world for a really long time, but Rachel shares a lot of good things on this episode, things that I think you could learn from, things you could take away. Rachel also has a podcast. She has her own podcast on Spotify and other platforms, I believe. It's called is it called I always mess it up, so let me just look. It is the Recovery Daily Podcast. Sorry. I I had the notes and then I was looking at them and but it is the Recovery Daily Podcast, and she talks a lot about sobriety, stroke, and, vestibular disorder, which is a really dive into.

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We did we did talk quite a bit about it. It's sort of a lesser known part of stroke. She herself does not have a ton of significant deficits from the stroke. However, this particular deficit for her is kind of, it's a real struggle. It's it's it's I think agree, but it's it's definitely the big one for her.

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Again, I think you're gonna enjoy this conversation. Again, she has a podcast herself. She used to work in, communications marketing, so she's got a good, you know, good feel for how to do this. Great conversation. Really enjoyed it. She's again, go check out her pod. Talked about our podcast last week together and, yeah. Okay. It was great to meet her. Again, I think you're gonna learn a lot of great things. I'll be back on Friday with another episode of Survivor Science Soundbites. But until then, please enjoy this episode with Rachel Abbasi starting And, yeah. Well, it's again, it's officially great to meet you. I'm really excited to talk about your story, your pod should warn you. I should have warned you before we hit record that if the camera gets blurry, that is one of the perks of Riverside is that an and I know because you talked about your your thing that I actually wanna talk about because I've had it really interesting. Yeah. So if the camera goes blurry, don't worry.

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It's just it records time. And so Okay. If it looks blurry to us, it would not look blurry later. So Okay. I should have I should have prefaced with that. But yeah. Anyways, great to meet you. You too. Yeah. Awesome.

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Yeah. So I guess we kinda hop right into it because you definitely have an interesting story that I do not know a ton about. Do a couple episodes and yeah. I mean, I think you you know, I didn't actually check. Do you add, do you actually do an episode every day or is it almost every day? Okay. Yeah. I do every day. There's a reason why I do it every day.

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Once in a bloom in, I'll miss a day because I don't feel good.

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Exist symptoms, but, yeah. I record every day, to make a point and that is that our recovery is every day and we have to put everything in every day. So I hit record every day whether I want to or not. Fair enough. That's I see. And sorry. I'm being interrupted by my family because I hit record and they just decide to pop in. Like, hi, family. I'm on the phone. No. I don't. Man, I guess I'm editing the beginning of this. Jesus. She just she just walk up. My wife is amazing, but she had back at Costco green beans. Like, no. I'm not eating green beans today.

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We can get into that because I'm sure you probably yeah. As a stroke survivor, you probably pay attention to your diet. I did not before my stroke. I definitely do now. Yeah.

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Yeah. And I'm trying to be careful and mindful that I shut I I tend to talk a lot on these podcasts. I wish it it's not about me. It's about the guest, which is you today. But I can't help myself. Do on my podcast. I just talk, talk, talk, talk, talk. I have no guests on it. So, yeah. The reason why I don't have guests is because, again, my stroke symptoms, it would for me to manage that. So That's fair. Because that's actually I started doing it solo and Yeah.

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Over the last so I started a different podcast. It was called lovable idiot. So you can imagine why I talk and talk and talk because I could just go for hours if if nobody stops me.

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And then last year, I switched over. It was called Global Starver. Now I just recently rebranded to Survivor Science because that's kind of my brand. So I'm getting everything under the same umbrella finally. And But, anyways, there was a point to that. But as we'll go through this podcast, you know, stroke brand, it just hits us whenever it's most inconvenient. I am not the only one. Yeah. No.

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Talked to a lot of people over the last couple of months or or years, really. But, yeah, it's just like mid sentence. It's like, no. I'm a sore thigh. Like, I just literally it just totally I really have no idea. And it's not like before my stroke where I would forget what I'm saying. It is like gone and it's never coming back. Unless unless I like to look at a bullet point and lose that bullet point while I'm talking and can reference the bullet point and get it. Yeah. Yeah. I have to have, like, some kind of notes or something because my brain does not organize and work the way that it used to.

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Yeah. Which is definitely something annoying. I'm sure we'll talk. He's annoyed by it. Yeah. But, yeah, it looks really annoying. Let's let's get the deer story a little bit. Let's kinda we saw about some things and we're gonna talk about some things, but, yeah, I guess, kinda give us the the rundown, like, kinda your backstory and you don't let's start with the stroke, I guess, if that was the first thing. I know there's kind of a move parts of this. That's not the first thing. That's not the first thing. Yeah. So, do you want me to just dive right in? Yeah. Yeah. Let's go with whoever you wanna talk. Forever too, so you just interrupt me. Fair enough. Fair enough. Podcasters.

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So Yeah. There you go. I, I did not have any plan to be a podcaster in my career center and everything. I had gone to school for mathematics and, I didn't get into mathematics in my career, but it gave me, like, a good foundation to get into whatever I wanted to do. So, yeah. And that all got upended had my stroke. So, about let's see.

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Where are we at? We're at the beginning of December.

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So about eight and a half years ago, I, admitted myself into a detox facility for alcoholism and, many, many years of of a slippery slope, and I finally had reached my low, which I could talk all day about that, but that's not why I'm here. Well, the That's what I'm talking about. I talked a lot about that in my podcast, because and the reason why I wanted to start with it is because after, let's see, 5 years of sobriety, I had a stroke.

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And, it was unrelated. Honestly, they don't know why I had a stroke. I have my own about why I had a stroke.

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But I am just eternally grateful that I was sober when I had the stroke because if I wasn't, I'm pretty sure I would have just gone to sleep and laid down and then who knows what could have happened. Instead, I I couldn't talk. So I could whatever I was thinking, I could not, control what I was saying. Like, I couldn't, form the words. Right.

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Particularly. That's, yeah, that's how we knew that I was having a stroke. So pretty immediately to the local hospital, which is only 15 minutes from me now. So we had just moved here, actually.

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So we moved near a really good hospital, and, I was admitted immediately. They gave me the clot buster and asking me they they want so they had to, like, keep asking me questions to see if it got worse or better by speaking.

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And, so they asked me I started talking about my dog. They're like, what kind of dog do you have? I said, a Weimaraner. And but I couldn't say it. I was like, what? And, so throughout the hour, I had to say Weimaraner, like, 50 times. So by the end of the hour, I could say Weimer on her again, and we all, like, celebrated. And so I spent that evening in an ICU, and then I was in the hospital for and that after I got out of the hospital, that started this crazy journey, this crazy stroke survivor journey that I never freaking imagined just like you, you were 37 Yeah. And I 6. Okay. But, who who, like, thinks that something so devastating is gonna happen to you. Right. It happens to other people. It doesn't happen to us, you know? Correct. Yeah.

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It's a midlife crisis. Nobody wants to have. It's it's really the way you ever wants. It's a club that nobody being honest. But it's Exactly. So I mean, over the past 3 year well, okay. So I went on short term disability. I went to see all the required doctors, you know, I got 13 vials of blood drawn to see what what kind of blood I have going on. I went to a neurologist, a cardiologist, a hematologist, you know, like I I can't keep going. Yeah. Yeah. All of these things. Yeah. And, they nobody could tell me what was wrong. Nobody could tell me why had the stroke. A little backstory is that I'm not a, I had a colonoscopy. Okay. I had to go in for a colonoscopy. Well, the day before my colonoscopy, I got my, COVID vaccine. The day I went colonoscopy, the day the day after they gave me an IV, that IV location clotted. So nobody understood that's never happened. I've never had somebody who had an IV clot. And so the clot moved up my arm and and they're like, okay, well, it's not in a deep vein. There's no chance it's gonna move up to your brain. Put a heating pad on it, you know, rub some dirt on it and log it off. That's what they were telling me.

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It was excruciating.

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So I moved on. I I had gone to a just to make sure that it was okay, you know, and I got, a sonogram on my arm to make sure it wasn't in a in a deep vein. So, I guess the required amount of days, 21 days or whatever till you get your next vaccine, I got my next my and then 7 days after that, I had a stroke.

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So you're okay. Yeah. I am.

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No. No. No. No. So I was trying to sorry. I was trying to figure out the timeline there. So so Yeah. So it was like vaccine clot, vaccine stroke, you know, and there's no possible way that that didn't have something to do with it. Right. That makes sense. Cause I think I I've talked to a lot of people and I've met a lot of strokes survivors since the pandemic that have seemingly are younger or Mhmm. You know, and I'm not gonna make this or that because my stroke was actually I I thought your stroke was actually a little beef. So mine was first, I guess, 2019. Yeah. You had your first. Okay. Yeah. So that, that, you know, that's interesting because, well, it's just interesting because it might be vaccine related, like you said. So that's probably a good theory, although we share that we were. So I want to go back to the, the alcohol thing before we get back into the stroke thing. Yeah. Okay. So you were, I'm guessing. So you were in your late thirties when you checked into to alcohol? 40. 40. I was 42 when I got sober for the last time. Gotcha. Okay. And so, I'm curious because I I was an alcoholic prior to, although I like to call it a functional alcoholic. It's not any better or worse. It just was that kind of your experience? Like, were you It's always that I was always an alcoholic.

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I mean, I remember in high school, like, I just couldn't get enough, like, constant. I was always drinking. If there wasn't drinking somewhere, I wasn't gonna go. And then if nobody was drinking, I was gonna stay home and drink, you know, that's that's all I needed was me and my beer and then later it was wine. And I yeah. I mean, I was functional. I I did my job.

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I showed up every day. I I even worked overtime.

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And and that happened for a really long time until it didn't work anymore until the alcohol came more became more important than my job. It became more important than my kids. It came became more important than my boyfriend. Like, it I didn't you know, you don't know what it's doing to you. It's the very thing that's killing is the thing, you know, that that is keeping you from getting better, you know? So Yeah. It's deceiving.

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It is. It is. And that that that resonates with me a ton because like you said, you started with beer. I drink beer from the age of, like, 14 in Jersey till 37 till my it was a little different. It was right up until my stroke. Like, I literally had a probably had beers the day before I went to the hospital and the guy we got admitted and then later had the stroke in the hospital, which is a whole other story. Yeah.

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Yeah. Yeah. So, so that's really interesting because we share that in common, and I probably for both of us, it played a major role in you know, yours definitely might be vaccine related, but I don't think the alcohol before is any helps either of us. Yeah. I mean yeah.

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And when I say that I feel like my stroke was related to the vaccine, it wasn't just, like I abused my body for the first 42 years of my life. I did not, it never hit me that this was the only body I was gonna get, you know, and I just abused it.

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And, in addition to alcoholism, like when I got those files, the blood taken, they said I have factor 5 laden, which is, a blood disorder that lanes you towards clotting. It's not gonna cause you to clot, it just lanes you towards that. So I had doctor Clyde Leiden, which lanes you towards clotting, birth control, which leans you towards clotting. Yeah. And then I have the COVID vaccine, which is it leans you towards clotting. I mean, that's coming out in the in the news, but, I the planets aligned, you know, and that's what happened. I had a stroke.

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And that the first two years, like, I went back to work, after short term disability because I didn't picture my life's being any different than it was before my stroke. I just was like, okay, pick your shit back up and let's go. You know?

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But so I I was resisting this, traumatic event that happened to me. Yes.

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And so my so I suffer from, they call it a vestibular disorder, but they haven't truly diagnosed me with it.

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It's like, something wrong with your balance system. And what they've explained to me is your balance system is, made up of 3 different systems, your vision system, your ear system, and something else, touch system or something. Makes sense. And once one of those is off, you're gonna have problems. So although I can see fine Right. When I'm when I talk, I move my eyes around all the time. So when we're done tonight, I'm gonna, like, pass out because it hurts my head. So the the symptoms that I have is I start were banned around my head, like, and it's just like the longer I expose myself to something like this, which I'm telling you, I'm so happy I'm here. I'm not Yeah. Making anybody feel bad, but it feels like another rubber band is being added, like, every freaking couple minutes. And, eventually what happened those 2 years is that, I had so much pain. It was like sharp pains and, I couldn't even open my eyes. It got to the point where I couldn't open my eyes. So, they didn't know what was wrong and they just kept throwing medicine at it, like keeps throwing pills at it. Have you had that experience? I've had both those experiences.

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I've had the issue, the vestibular thing that you mentioned that that was really something I wanted to dive into because I think to some survivors probably experienced this a little bit.

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I'm unique in the way that I'm not just stroke survivor because I'm the guy that didn't want shit. Like, I didn't wanna be anything. I didn't wanna label. I didn't wanna be autistic. I didn't wanna be ADHD. I didn't wanna be a stroke survivor. Name the thing, I didn't want it. I just wanted to be Will. And then I got diagnosed with MS too.

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So yeah. I have a little bit of bounce. About that. Yeah. It's okay. It's I I manage it. Honestly, I I kinda like you. I think I went back to work. I've been fight it's way too early for the record, but I went back for about a year and a half, and then I just decided, like, I gotta do my own thing, figure it out, and I have, kind of thing. It was tricky, like, I would have drank a 30 pack a day if they were selling 30 packs. They only where I lived in Virginia before I moved to Florida, 30 packs just are not a thing. So it's 20 packs of ice house, which if if you don't wanna think about beer, it's like the shittiest beer. Yeah. It's the shittiest beer. Well, but it has 5.5 percent alcohol. So yeah. Hell yeah.

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Drink it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I wouldn't say no to it, but now now I can't even imagine. Like, I can't believe. I don't know if you feel this way, but I can't really, like, it's probably the stroke.

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You know, that was the thing that I needed to stop drinking. I can't even believe long. Like, now I look back and I'm just like, why? Like, I don't miss the taste. I don't miss the anything. Like, now I've done a lot of work. Shot. Well, yeah. Because I got admitted to the hospital, had a stroke, then came out of the hospital. Thought thought about having a drink.

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Yeah. Woke up, like, a week later in that period of time, and then I got diagnosed with MS and then that but this is very clear after the, the stroke and the MS and the 2 trips to inpatient rehab to do all the work on physical therapy. Yeah. My my my right side was fucked up from like, I was completely paralyzed on the right hand, right leg from the stroke.

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This was the left side, so I was like a big giant £530.

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Gosh. £530, 6.48 blob. Like, I couldn't do crap. Yeah. That's how much I drank. But, you know, when you're 68, you can put down a 20 pack of ice house every night in a 3 hour window and not even blink.

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It's like I can't relate to that because who the heck like, most people there get 20 pack of ice house, they die. I was doing that every night for, like, you know, it's it's started with Budweiser and it was, like, you know, back in high school, it started with Yeah.

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Yeah. But you gotta keep increasing it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The point, like, I actually scaled down from moved to Virginia with my wife to raise my kids. They didn't have 30 packs, so I had scales of 20 packs. So that's when I went to the ice house because it's like, alright. I get more bang for my buck. Yeah. Yeah. But, yeah, the vestibular thing is really interesting because I think a lot of stroke survivors are dealing with distance.

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Now it may not officially be diagnosed, but I I noticed myself, like, you'll see my eyes are moving all over the place because I'm I'm fast moving. Like, I'm from Jersey. I can't really Yeah.

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Yeah. Yeah. Honestly, from the second I've been able to walk, which took me a year and a half, by the way. You know, now I run. I used to have 3 monitors, 2, so I concentrate a little better. Like, I'm kind of getting adding pieces back in. But yeah, light bothered me. It's still kind of bothers me sometimes.

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And I think it's, you know, that's why I wear these. These are for the cane. Yeah. If they really help, these are Sarah specs. Okay. I, it's interesting that you say that because the more people that I talk to who had a stroke Yeah. They have deficits that take priority over the strange dizziness and light sensitivity.

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Mine, I'd have no other deficits. I mean, you won't notice. And it's really gotten better since I've done my podcast for the past year and a half. Like, I practice talking every day. I practice remembering what I'm saying and all of that stuff. So I think that that's really been helping me, regain that language and the, but it took time and it takes practice. But other than that, I don't have anything that is visibly wrong with me. And that's been a real struggle too, because I was afraid people weren't gonna believe me, you know, that I'm like, I, I can't ride in the car with my eyes open. I can't drive. I can't run. I can't kayak. I can't bike. I mean, I haven't watched TV in a year and a half. Like, I can't do anything that requires movement. And, I I'm looking at the screen, which is okay for now. Yeah. Up until recently, I wouldn't have been able to do this either. I would be looking like, I warned you in the email yesterday, I might have to look over the computer because it gets too much for me.

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But, yeah, since that's my main thing, it was really hard to find people that are talking about it. Yeah.

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But I did find the, VITA group. Have you heard of VITA? I haven't. One of the few things I have, to be honest with you. Yeah. It's the vestibular disorder association. And, they have a website. It's beda.org, I think. And they focus on this. They focus on vestibular migraines, vestibular disorders, and they're all different. So my issue with looking at the computers things move. One reason I can look at you is because you're not moving. And I appreciate that there are people that I talk to that are kinda like me, like, I can't look at them. I can't watch them because like, in person when somebody, is like really animated, I can't way. Yeah. There was this lady who, she had those steak eyelashes and she kept batting her eyes like this at me. I thought I was gonna vomit, like, it was too much movement. So it gets to that degree. But, yes.

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With, and I can't remember where I left off. No. That's good. That's good.

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Because you were talking about deficits and I wanted to ask you what were some of your deficits, but it seems like the TPA did its job. And Yeah. You're I gotta say, I you know, I think we all have an interesting story as stroke survivors.

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I would say you're Yeah. And, you know, the the reasoning behind that is because I was in a wheelchair. I was in a walker, a cane. Like, I had to go through that whole progression, which is good because I was a big fat baby walrus and, like, I just needed to get, like Pat, you have to tell me how you lost the weight and stuff. Like amazed.

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Well, it's a lot of hard work and that's what it was. I'm okay. Like, I'm looking at you thinking like, would I want that over all the things that I had to overcome? Like, it's not a comparison, but like, it's, it's interesting to me. About that. Would I rather not be able to walk?

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But yet I can still no. I can't use my eyes. There Yes. But the most difficult thing is that my eyes work Right. But I can't use them because they hurt. It's just the most bizarre situation. Right. And it's it's it's probably I'm gonna guess when it's the absolute least convenient for them to work When they don't work for you, I'm guessing just based on my own experience with the struggle survivor. Yeah. Because my so my right side, like I said, was paralyzed. My right hand, I couldn't open for probably.

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I don't even think I could open it at all for, like, the 1st 6 months. I remember, like, getting home, going back to work, and immediately getting a microphone and Max and worked on Max because Mac has better talk to some pieces. Mac. Yeah. Yeah.

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I can't imagine using DocuSign on Windows or Android for that matter. It sounds really snappy, and it is because we probably because you worked in marketing. And I worked in marketing. Minutes. Yeah. You worked in marketing. I worked in the web. Like, it's, you know Yeah. See guy, like, yeah. It's see, if you if it works for you, great. It's just not what I want in my life. You know, my kids have it for school, and I'm like, oh, god. Do I fucking buy this with I can't even use a PC now. I'm like, how do you how do you scroll? Yeah. I literally worked in the web for, like, over and grew up on PCs. But, like, when my kids got a Windows little machine for school, I was like, you gotta be kidding me. Like, like, dad, can I sign up for my like, I'm like, no? No.

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You can't because I can't do this. I asked my wife to do it. Like, that's just ridiculous. Back to the deficit thing. Yeah. It's really singing and, you know, like I said, like, I think a lot of survivors out there deal with some of the things that you you're experiencing.

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And I think it probably doesn't get talked about more and that this is purely speculation is because you're right. Because many of us are usually some kind of her you know, I wanna go back to what you said about speech because that's why I started a podcast in 2020 at the end of 2020 because I was like, I gotta get better at speech. No way. And I I bought a bunch of like, I just I remember the whole thing. Like, I was that guy in the hospitals. I ordered stuff all day. The hospital shipped to the hospital. Like, I was buying, like, books. And the reason I wanted to the reason I was so adamant about getting speech back is because when they when I got admitted for MS and they finally diagnosed me, they weren't letting me eat and I was still £530 at that time. And so I was like, the way I'm not gonna eat, like, I am on board. I've had a stroke. I got diagnosed with MS. I'm all for, like, getting healthy. We're gonna do this the right way. I I kind of adapted that pretty quickly. But they're like, you can't swallow. You're only able to drink liquid food. I'm like, no. That's not gonna keep happening. Like, I did it for 2 days and I immediately, like, shithole because I was, like yeah. I mean, I like, literally, they give me food and I was, like, nope. I'm gonna swallow it a hole.

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I don't care if I choke. Oh my gosh. Really, I don't advise against I advise against it because it is not wise. Like, if you survive a stroke and you get diagnosed with MS and you're still alive at that point, we wanna just sip on. Do what they said? Yeah. Do what they say. Yeah. I wasn't the best patient. I very appreciative of my nursing teams and staff, but, yeah, I was not very, not a great listener when it comes to specialists.

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Ironically, I wanted to go to school to be a brain surgeon. Why don't Brain surgeon. I went up going to school for architecture of all things.

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And, Oh. Yes. So back to your question about how I lost all the weight, really, in that second stint in going back to the hospital a second time, starting 30 days while they diagnosed me with MS because it wasn't an immediate thing.

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Three options are, like, it's either a brain tumor, brain cancer, or MS. And looking back, you know, MS still seems like the the least of the 3 bad options, but not none of them were good. But during that time, I was like, okay. I guess I'm not drinking anymore. And that certainly helped because I wasn't drinking, obviously.

00:32:20.950 --> 00:32:47.849
Basically, I went into the hospital before a stroke. And so not sure he helped. That immediately lost some of the weight, just better eating, which because when you're not drinking, you're not snacking. That was a lot of my issues too, getting so big. And, again, I was 648. I am 648. So, like, I was just people will think I was, like, £300, but I was, like, you know, over £530. Like, I got on the scale.

00:32:48.390 --> 00:32:58.714
When I got admitted to a hospital, that's when I was, like, even before I had the stroke, they put me on that, the barrier, they call it bariatric, but really it's just big fat fuck scale is what it is.

00:32:58.714 --> 00:33:16.308
It's like, they get you on a scale. And when you, when you can't get on a scale and they got to put you on the scale as a human being before I was even in a wheelchair, they're wearing me on a wheelchair scale. Yeah. That was eye opening. And, yeah. So I I immediately started eating better.

00:33:16.308 --> 00:33:20.009
So I was losing weight pretty quickly in the early days by not drinking.

00:33:21.433 --> 00:34:09.940
And then like you, I'm a fighter. I came out, you know, I I stupidly went back to work too quickly, but, I just realized, like, I gotta do this for my kids, for my wife. I gotta prove everybody wrong because everybody counted me out from the beginning. Yeah. Because when I went back to work, I wasn't talking great. And like you said, one of the great things about doing a either on your own or with somebody else or or any kind of thing where you're speaking all the time. Yeah. It's great practice to get better at speech. That's you know, those books were very helpful when I bought them. But, yeah, speaking into the microphone, doing a podcast, anything you can do to make speaking more playable is is the good way to get over that. Feel like I had a point to all that, but I just was touching on the point that you said having a podcast.

00:34:09.940 --> 00:34:13.239
We're both like, I don't know why I was talking about this.

00:34:13.619 --> 00:35:24.875
Yeah. We're just trying to have a conversation. Another thing that I, that I did was voice over on Mac and on my iPhone. So I joined a blind and low vision community and, learned how to use my computer like a blind person. I mean, the only times I rely on that is if there's a goal with a whole lot of words because I can't handle it. It's too much and it hurts my head. So I'll, turn on voice over and just listen. But, I just recently completed a class on voice over with the blind community. They have free classes, And I don't think that they had encountered somebody with a vestibular disorder requesting to take their class, but they were very welcoming to me. Yeah. Most of them have been blind since birth, but there's a lot of them who are growing blind because of they have ocular degenerative disease or something. Yeah.

00:35:25.355 --> 00:35:32.329
And then using voice over on my iPhone as well has been a big snout.

00:35:33.429 --> 00:36:06.260
So when I have bad days, I can just turn off my devices, turn off the screen, still communicate with people. Nice. So that's kinda cool. Yeah. Yeah. Actually, it's funny. My wife was the one knocking on the door bothering me, and she's so maybe I should bring her in because she's deaf. So now we have you know, you work with the blind and do the voice over stuff. So my wife is deaf. Taking the blind side of things and then you put us all together. We're we're a nice big jumbled bus ability.

00:36:07.119 --> 00:36:10.885
Yeah. We're lots of disabilities. Yeah.

00:36:10.885 --> 00:36:56.000
So when I so at 2 years of work, when I finally got to the point where I literally, like, showed up showed up one day and was like, I had talked to somebody in HR for, like, a normal conversation. I was a director, so I met with her, like, once a month. And we were talking and she's like, Rachel, you gotta know when to say when. Yeah. Because I could barely even look at her. And so I got off the phone with my computer and that was, that was my last day of work. I had no plan on doing that that day, but I just couldn't do it. So I shut my computer. I walked outside and sat on my front porch and I just broke down.

00:36:56.619 --> 00:37:09.193
I was like, it was me that my life is never gonna be the same. It took me 2 years to do that, to just be like, you know, this is it.

00:37:09.193 --> 00:37:56.110
This changed my life. So you have a whole new trajectory that you did not plan on. And so the day that I stopped my, stopped I called my brother and asked him to create a Spotify account for me. And it, I didn't put any forethought into it. I, for some reason I was like sitting out there crying and I thought, what do I have? What do I have left? And I was like, my voice. I have my voice left. And I called my brother and he made a Spotify account and I've been recording, like, almost every day since then. So it's been, like, a year and a half.

00:37:56.809 --> 00:38:08.784
Nice. Yeah. I mean, I think, like you said, I think having a podcast, you have great things to share, like, sharing the recovery aspect of alcoholism and and being a recovering alcoholic. It's interesting.

00:38:09.085 --> 00:38:16.385
You know, I we should probably talk about it because people always want me to talk about the I I don't know if you're familiar with Phil Gasamis.

00:38:16.605 --> 00:38:20.065
He's a stroke survivor who has IV. Yeah. I was honest.

00:38:20.940 --> 00:38:46.664
K. Yeah. Yeah. Sorry. I went through his back catalog, but I just I haven't yeah. I haven't watched every episode because he's on, like, 300 now. I'm only on I'm only episode 200, but only 100 of the current podcast. So Yeah. He's got a great yeah. He's got a great thing to share. Yeah. Yeah. He, he, he actually, he was awesome too. I'm like, nah, should I, cause like, I can't handle, I can't, I just can't handle the third thing.

00:38:46.664 --> 00:38:52.710
It's like, I don't, I don't even talk about the MS on my podcast. I talk about the stroke predominantly. Cause I'm always like, I play this game.

00:38:52.769 --> 00:38:59.989
Sorry. I'm waving my hand. I play this game of, is it stroke? Is it age? Is it MS? I have no idea, but I don't really have a choice.

00:39:00.849 --> 00:39:13.614
I gotta figure it out because it doesn't really matter to me at the end of the day. Like, I don't care what it is. Nobody's coming to save me. It doesn't matter if I if I lose my balance for a moment and I'm like, oh, that must be the MS. Like, who cares?

00:39:15.114 --> 00:39:18.735
Yeah. I know. I I get that. I understand what you mean.

00:39:19.594 --> 00:40:35.724
I tell you that I'm very interested in your MS journey, because I know several people who have MS or had MS, from when I was a kid. Okay. Yeah. My So I I don't even know how they diagnosed you. How did they diagnose them as if they thought it was it must be something's in the brain. So, yeah, I have a yeah. I have a yeah. This is typically in the brain. It's usually brain lesions, which are like little tiny scars. And now I've had a ton of ton of MRIs now because strokes are and now I have MS. And so the kind of MS that I have is called Tumafactive, A whole ton about this there's really not a lot of research and, again, I only care to the point of, like, I'm on his treatment. I know what I've been working with my neurologist for 5 years now. Like, everything is pretty good. Most of my symptoms are mild, and most of the things they tell people with MS, like, I don't know that much about MS, and I have MS. It's it kinda comes back to that game of, like, is it stroke? Is it MS? Is AMG? What is it? Yeah. And so kinda cutting back to what you asked me earlier, how do I lose the weight?

00:40:35.724 --> 00:40:41.780
It's been a lot of hard work. It's been a lot of hard work in the gym, Like, long time.

00:40:42.320 --> 00:41:00.045
I worked for about another year and a half after I went back, and I just one day, I was just like we were going through some things in the work in our teams, and I was just like, I can't keep doing this. Like, you get to a point where you're like, you know, you're getting up there.

00:41:00.824 --> 00:41:26.764
I was kinda moving up, but there was, like, this this I could there wasn't gonna be a breakthrough for me in the same company, and nobody wanted to, like, listen and change. And I got very into agile coaching and and and scrum if you're familiar with those. Yeah. And so we were still doing waterfall and, like, people just like, man, how can you not want to change? I had to show I had that exactly what environment you're talking about.

00:41:26.764 --> 00:41:36.719
Yeah. Yeah. This is yeah. And it's like, I'm overcoming all these things over here, raising 3 kids. My parents had passed away 2 years, 2 years prior to my yeah. 2 years prior to my stroke.

00:41:37.338 --> 00:41:44.800
I have nobody but my sisters and my family. These changes and you guys won't do things to change the business to make it better.

00:41:45.355 --> 00:42:40.010
I was just like, that's it. After 7 years working for him, I was like, I I'm a yeah. I can't. I hope you're not. Yeah. You know, and they've gone through some tough times again this year, and it's it's just like, man, I told you 5 years ago. 4 years ago. Like, Right. The world is gonna make you change or you're just not going to exist. You're doing yeah. Yeah. It is The world's gonna keep going forward and you're gonna be left back there. Yeah. And it's just really unfortunate. And I think that's honestly part of what drives Obviously, having kids, having a a wife and and 3 kids, and 2 sisters and brother, you know, that pushes me all the time. And but, yeah, like, again, back to what you were asking about losing the weight is just like so when I quit, when I when I well, I guess, I did quit. I I just left. I just one day, I just can't do it anymore. So I I left and I started focusing on my recovery because I was kind of in dial.

00:42:40.855 --> 00:42:43.255
Wanted to be a part of a team. I wanted to work with the team.

00:42:43.255 --> 00:43:00.039
I wanted that camaraderie while I was trying to kind of unfuck my body, you know, and I I did, and I was going to therapies, and I was working they were working with me, so credit to them. They were trying to they were definitely trying to work with me through the recovery.

00:43:01.059 --> 00:43:15.284
Good progress, but it just wasn't enough for me. And I was just like, we gotta go a 100% on this recovery because I wanted out of the wheelchair. I was still relying on my AFO, who's just like a device for drop foot and walking.

00:43:16.144 --> 00:43:50.710
Anyways, I started basically going to the gym full time for I still do an excessive amount of working out now, but I basically went from the treadmill. Well, no. I started with the stair climber because that was kinda easy and the bike and the elliptical, because I could kinda do those without balling off. It was all very strokes or ivory if you can kinda wrap your head. Yeah. You don't have a ton of physical deficits, but, yeah, it's it's all very awkward. I've I've been watching a lot of stuff on Yeah. Physical deficits. Yeah.

00:43:50.710 --> 00:43:54.250
It's, it's it's it's a process. It's weird.

00:43:54.389 --> 00:44:05.605
It's certainly unique. It's funny because my son was 4 at the time. My youngest was stroke and I was like, oh my god. I've had a stroke at 37, and I'm like a 4 year old.

00:44:05.605 --> 00:44:30.000
I literally starting over. It's like the worst game like, the worst board game you could ever wanna play, but you're playing in real life. It's like, shoots and nightmares where you go up to the ladder and then you're like, up back in the fucking beginning, buddy. And I really was in denial. I'm just m because I've come quite a far away over the last couple of years, but it's it's annoying. You know, I still can't really write well.

00:44:30.775 --> 00:44:42.074
There's some other thing that you touched on that you're you're experiencing is something I've kind of been in denial about because, like, there's just so many other things and it's just, like, kind of figure it out.

00:44:42.150 --> 00:44:59.844
But I think a lot of us have it because I noticed I was watching actually Bill's podcast yesterday. He had a guest on I was watching his episode recent episode with Molly who was somebody I just actually met, literally yesterday. So I watched the podcast of their recording on on YouTube last night and Molly, I haven't talked to her about it.

00:45:00.943 --> 00:45:26.039
So ours, they kinda look away and I I maybe we all do to some degree, but I think when you're a podcaster and you watch people's eyes and you watch regular people talk, I don't know if it's like Yeah. Certain podcasts that might just cut so you don't see it, but, like, you I know I noticed you you're looking away probably because I'm moving my hands at time. Go away sometimes too. And I don't even think about it because I'm, like, thinking and trying to, like, capture the words.

00:45:26.605 --> 00:45:47.050
And I saw her do it and maybe these are the things that we just did before and nobody noticed, but now I definitely pay attention to it more. But, yeah, long story there, I got way off track. Yeah. It's when I'm like, when I'm talking to you, my eyes are definitely like full on triggered right now.

00:45:47.829 --> 00:45:55.195
And so I have a lot of like, it's discomfort and dizziness. You know what it feels like?

00:45:55.195 --> 00:46:25.085
It feels like drunk vision. That's what it feels like, you know, you know, not funny, but not not funny is I wake up every morning and feel like I have a hangover. That's what it feels like. And I'm like, I don't even get to enjoy the night before now, you know. I just wake up feeling like I have a hangover and then, like, the more stuff I do, I'm not it's just kind of like I'm not grounded.

00:46:25.224 --> 00:46:39.710
It's just kind of it's hard to explain. It's not it's not vertigo, like, when the crystals in your ears get all screwed up, because that's what I know of vertigo, but they call what I have vertigo.

00:46:40.969 --> 00:46:44.588
Like, this light headed, like, floaty ceiling.

00:46:46.010 --> 00:47:12.489
Yeah. Yeah. I don't get that a whole ton, but I I it's interesting that you just brought up that. Like, you talk about waking up in the morning with a hangover, and I don't feel those things anymore, thankfully. Because of the physical deficit might be because now I'm an extreme kind of runner, but in the not in the traditional sense. Like, my wife is actually a marathoner. She is a lunatic. She was raised all over the place.

00:47:12.650 --> 00:47:19.594
My daughter. Yeah. But I I run a ton. I run about 20 miles a day now, but I worked up to that. Oh, you're insane.

00:47:21.114 --> 00:47:56.255
Yeah. But I got I'm not what you would call a traditional runner. I haven't signed up for a goddamn race. I will never sign up for a race. I don't care about the medals. Like, I don't care about times. I just do it for me. Yeah. I literally what I do, Rachel, is like, I I started because I I was improving when I left my job. And after about a year in the gym, boom, to the point where I was like, oh, well, I no longer smoke or drink. I've lost some decent weight. You know, I got down to about 375. One day is this like, I think I could go outside and try to run. And I did. And I literally haven't stopped.

00:47:57.034 --> 00:48:53.664
Yeah. I was running before my stroke, but I I can't move that fast because it hurts my head. So I walk now, but I can't even walk more than a couple blocks before I start getting nauseous. To be fair, I think my running started as walking. It's just in my stroke brain. I thought it was running, but I think I might've been so big and so, so cool. And so much, there's something about that, that once you get to a certain point, it feels like you can run forever. Yeah. Which is weird because I played sports my whole life as a kid growing up, but I always hated the running part of sports. Yeah, I did too. And now, like, if I could run again, that would be I had been thinking, well, why don't I try to run like for 5 seconds and then walk and then the next day I'll run for 10 seconds.

00:48:53.963 --> 00:49:24.804
Like, so I've thought about doing that. But I've been feeling kind of really shitty late gotten on board with that, but, that's how I think big changes happen, you know, and you just do a tiny little bit at a time. It's so unnoticeable that it can be frustrating. But when you're not doing it at all, right, it's I have a lot of time on my hands these days.

00:49:24.945 --> 00:49:32.190
Well, it's I have all the hobbies now though. Yeah. And if you can remove the pressure, like, to me, the running thing was funny.

00:49:32.190 --> 00:49:46.684
Right? I literally started as a joke because I was like, wouldn't it be funny to be a stroke survivor with MS who starts running in my whole life. And I just said, I don't care how fast I go. I don't care what the fuck it looks like. I used to get it.

00:49:46.684 --> 00:49:49.824
I I did get annoyed because I I started so I wanted to be safe.

00:49:50.204 --> 00:50:02.119
So I started running in my neighborhood and I like, we have this little, like, we live in the back end and you kind of run about a half mile into the neighborhood. Circle loop.

00:50:02.119 --> 00:50:13.065
That's probably like maybe a third of a mile. So I I was just, hey, I'll run down there and I'll run laps. And I just, I thought it was so funny to be running. I was like, I don't fucking hate this.

00:50:13.065 --> 00:50:34.664
This isn't so bad. So I would just kinda like doing every day. It was like one more laps, you know, and I kinda Didn't hate that. Yeah. Yeah. I was so surprised that I didn't hate it that I really after about a month, I I I kind of got on board with Strava, and I was like, let me see how far I'm actually going and let me, like, track this.

00:50:35.304 --> 00:50:46.525
And then I got on I was back on Twitter. I was on Twitter because, you know, I come from the and I superly deleted all my social media accounts when I had my stroke. In hindsight, that was dumb.

00:50:47.000 --> 00:50:53.019
Although, I I don't think a lot of the people that were following me back in the day would have been followers now, so it doesn't really matter.

00:50:54.679 --> 00:51:12.085
But, yeah, I got back on Twitter and, it was before Elon bought it. I think before everything changed. But I wanted to give it a second chance because I my thumb is very is still shitty with typing Yeah. On the on the phone. So I I rely on talk to type a lot sometimes because I just get too annoyed.

00:51:12.719 --> 00:51:16.559
You probably won't like this on the phone. Yeah.

00:51:16.559 --> 00:51:38.735
Yeah. I got tired of lady. Yeah. Yeah. This words a minute now, like, I picked the keyboard death and I I don't even like that. So I I that's why I have the fancy mic and all that stuff because I'm like, talk to type and and honestly, like, I utilize a lot of chat gpt and stuff because it's like, it could take my it could take my you can talk like there are other programs.

00:51:38.735 --> 00:52:09.420
I'm saying chat gpt because most, but there's there's apps where you can talk and it'll, like, distill I they're using some form machine learning. I don't know if they're using Chat GPT per se, but some programs that I've had for a couple years now. And it's really helpful because I would love to be able to write things down. I loved being textile and and being put good run of me and a pen because I would love to be podcasting here, having you talk and just being able to doodle some notes to circle back to you.

00:52:09.420 --> 00:52:16.239
Right? But Yeah. I can. And typing while on the mic is also very difficult. So Yeah.

00:52:16.858 --> 00:52:20.320
So you can't your hands, you wouldn't be able to write.

00:52:21.434 --> 00:52:35.869
Well, they open, but I just the handwriting itself is so terrible that I like it. It's really the finer motor skills. Like, I can actually use chopsticks. I tried it last month with my son at, he because he's bougie. He likes sushi.

00:52:37.130 --> 00:52:40.190
And so but I'm sorry. Kids. I think it's all kids.

00:52:41.050 --> 00:54:20.219
Boujee. Well, it's it's fine. Honestly, Yeah. I mean, there's so many things that are bad for my I'm actually fine with the sushi. Yeah. Yeah. If sushi is the worst thing you want, then we'll take it. The problem is this one kid likes sushi and the other kid eats all the crafts. Yeah. So I gotta monitor them because they're like a mini Yeah. No. Annoying. So I think I told I told you earlier I have 3 kids. The first one came out. She's beautiful, excellent, wonderful kid, 22. 10 year old is like the middle of typical middle child, drill sergeant, likes to do x, y, and z, likes to be on a schedule. Yeah. A little bit more sensitive. And then number 3 is I was be great kids and, like, he's exactly like me. But he's, like, the worst because he's, like, me and my wife and my wife, I love her. I'm sure he's great. He's great, but he's got the worst qualities of me and the worst qualities of her. He shoved into one human beast and that is a recipe for He figures out what to do with it. Is he wrong? Oh, yeah. I mean, he's definitely seems to be he's lucky. He actually loves playing football, and I used to be really good and played football as well. But when I was a kid at his age, I was in the old days. I don't know if you were ever around football or or know anybody that played football, but in the old Pop Warner days, we had to get on a scale for a certain weight or you couldn't play, and I was from there, and I was always the biggest, tallest kid. I used to have to cut weight when I was, like, 10 years old to play football. Oh, well. And they moved me up, but I got moved up to the highest level in, like, 4th grade, and I still had to cut weight. I remember that in wrestling. I didn't know.

00:54:20.940 --> 00:54:59.588
Yeah. They used to do it in Papa Warner Football back in the nineties. And so my son plays football now, and I guess the equipment is so much better that they're kinda able to keep the kids generally collected protected and collectives. So, like, he loves to fall because he just goes out there. He doesn't have to worry about cutting weight, and he just dominates. The youngest one. I mean, he's he's just her 9, but he was an impressive little 8 year old speaker. And some people are, like, worried about CT, and I'm like, I don't know. I didn't have any CT prior to having a stroke in in MS. So, like, I don't think it played any part in any of my my diagnosis.

00:55:01.010 --> 00:57:28.864
But, so yeah. You could play football and it could all work out and you just make it all the way through. And then later you can get screwed by some other things. Yeah. Somebody you weren't able to I mean, you never know what's gonna happen to you. Yeah. I mean, I've definitely figured that out. I did wanna mention another thing. If anybody was vestibular, just watching this, my husband got me a it's called a remarkable tablet. Oh, yeah. And it's almost like a like a Kindle, like you can write on it, and the screen is like paper. Yeah. So it doesn't hurt my head. Earl not even look at a digital screen. It would immediately cause sharp pains in my head. So I I have this remarkable tablet and I still use it today. That's how I take notes for my podcast on my remarkable tablet. Yeah. Yeah. I have the I have an iPad with, like, a paper or similar. So Very similar. Yeah. This is, Yeah. This remarkable tablet, it I think the purpose of it is to be able to, like, do your work in an isolated environment so you are not distracted. But I don't know. I I feel like an iPad. And haven't compared the paper rating iPad app kind of Right. Thing, but, I don't know. I like the remarkable. I have one, so I use it all the time. Yeah. I almost bought 1, but because I have 2 young boys pads, I obviously worked in tech, so I had a spare iPad. But the the thing I have, I actually almost bought a remarkable, but I didn't because I was like, oh You've heard of the remarkable. Yeah. Yeah. And I I wanted to buy one, but I was like, I really shouldn't because I should just spend the money on something else and, so the the cover goes over my iPad. The same surface is remarkable, but I also think what's good about the remarkable is that it it doesn't it. I don't want to scientifically know this, but I think it emits less blue light than a typical iPad. So Yeah. It doesn't. I I don't think it has it uses blue light. I don't know. Same thing. I don't I don't know. It comes off of the hits. I don't know if it's blue light or Yeah. It's light to be fair. Yeah. Yeah. So I don't have to use these when I'm using my remarkable.

00:57:29.724 --> 00:58:08.829
Yeah. Yeah. And I do think that has helped. I would have noticed that I write better with my Apple Pencil and my iPad, but still depending on my how many things I have in front of me because they used to be a developer. So I have, like, 10,000 screens and keyboards, devices. Yeah. I know your type. Yeah. And I think I probably do things a lot better if I just didn't have so much crap around me all this. Right. All the wires are now nicely tucked away, but, like, it's still, like, there's I'm looking at my desk right now. There's the other stand. There's microphone over here. There's a road cast over here. There's so I have this is so dumb I am.

00:58:09.369 --> 00:58:16.385
I have a notebook and pens in front of me. I don't use a notebook or pens.

00:58:16.844 --> 00:58:27.184
I try to I try to, like, once a week, and I was just like a Yeah. I was on a call yesterday. It's like, oh, let me try to take notes during the call. 2 minutes in, I throw the pen in.

00:58:27.789 --> 00:59:03.309
Yeah. I'm sure it's frustrating. It it is. It's I shouldn't complain. It's it's kind of I've got these deficits back and down to a point where it's it's really the finer mode. But, yeah, I guess, beef you know, I I don't wanna take too much of your time because I know you do struggle here, but, you know, on your podcast and number I just I wanna make sure I have the right name of it for me because I wrote it's a recovery daily podcast. Right? Yes. Recovery daily podcast. Yeah. It's interesting because so you you predominantly talk about you talk about everything because it's daily.

00:59:03.309 --> 00:59:17.275
So it it kind of evolves. There's lots of time to talk about everything, but I honestly talk more, I think about alcoholism recovery than anything else, but I do talk a lot about stroke recovery.

00:59:18.375 --> 00:59:38.135
And what I have found that when I walked outside and sat on my front porch that day and started crying and, and was like feeling like, okay, what what's happening now is acceptance. Like I'm accepting that my life has changed.

00:59:38.755 --> 00:59:57.130
It's the exact that happened to me when I got sober. Like there are these 12 steps for getting sober And I'm telling you, I have been walking through the same steps with stroke recovery, and it has been fascinating to me to align the 2.

00:59:57.130 --> 01:00:36.864
So a lot of times I'll be talking about, something like, like today, one of the today my topic was about love, fear, and faith and how it's it was about how love and fear can't coexist. And I was trying to, say that that wasn't true, but I got through and, and talked about faith and everything and, and how I rely on my community of alcoholics, of drunks. I've got a a room full of drunks that I talk to every morning, virtually in my meetings.

01:00:37.644 --> 01:01:15.659
Well, that same for stroke survivors. So I typically will talk about my alcoholism, but then I will usually switch over and talk about how that helps my stroke recovery because in the end, the only way that I have been able to and I went to a psychiatrist for a while that I was getting to this point where I was like, hopeless, like all since my stroke, all I could think about was death. I'll, all I could think about was my life is over. You know, I'm gonna have another one.

01:01:16.199 --> 01:01:35.655
And just, I, I couldn't get past the fact the life that I had planned for myself is never gonna be that way. No matter how hard I worked for it, it's never gonna be that way and I'm never gonna get it back. And I struggled so long with that.

01:01:35.655 --> 01:04:45.514
And there are days still that I get kind of sad, But of my, sobriety program, I am learning how to be okay with feelings sad sometimes and be okay with my life isn't gonna be what I planned it to be. But you know what? Like at sober, I had a plan for my life and my life didn't took a big turn when I had to get sober. And that, that the way that my life has turned out before my stroke, what could have planned before I got sober. And because of that experience, now that I've had a stroke, I believe 100% that my life and I won't stop until my life becomes better than I ever could have planned before my stroke. And that's kind of what my commitment is to myself. Like, there is no excuse for me to not show up for myself today, record my podcast and talk about how I am able to show up each day for myself because who are dying from alcoholism. There are people who have a stroke and they never get up again. They just stay defeated. And just like you, I was reading your about, about you, page on your website. And just like I want to help people, see that life is not over when you have a stroke. Life isn't over when you're an alcoholic. It's just beginning. It may not be what I thought it was gonna be, but I'm not gonna stop until it is better than Yeah. I, I think that's and I agree with that. It's, it's definitely a journey and it's not easy for any of us to kinda to go through that. It takes some time. Like you said, we talked about earlier where it it does. You're kinda chasing that old life a little bit because you want these certain things. And I think a lot of time to kind of come to terms with the fact that things are definitely different. They're not necessary, you know, and this is an evolution. It's sometimes I struggle with that. I still want things to be a certain way. Like, when I'm doing something right now over on the side, I wanna be able to do things as quick and fast as well, again, but I talked to him not too long ago. And the biggest issue I had and still have is that when I need to ask for help, I was never a guy that asked for help prior to my stroke. I did everything everything my own way, my own speed, which was a 1,000 miles an hour, even at £530. I was a baby walrus moving around graceful as you could imagine at £530.

01:04:46.855 --> 01:05:12.405
Like, just, you know, New York, New Jersey. I've I cannot tolerate going east, or west. I'm sorry. West of I 95 here on the East Coast. I'm very west of I 95 averse. Curse and the blessing for me. I live right here, like, off of US 1 in in Florida. I can't even tolerate going 2 miles over to I 95 and going over the bridge.

01:05:13.184 --> 01:05:39.934
That's how much I dislike it, which is hilarious because I don't even like, I have to live by the water, but I don't even like the beach. Like, the shore, which I'm sure you can, you know, imagine. I I I can imagine. Quick aside, I I my friends and I in high school were kind of the Jersey Shore guys before the Jersey Shore show existed. Like, you could probably I was on Inside Edition back in 2002 for underage.

01:05:40.795 --> 01:05:51.434
That's how big of a drinker and how long of a drinker I've been. Like, yeah. I never watch those shows, but I've seen, you know, you can't hide from them either. So I've seen Yeah. Yeah.

01:05:51.434 --> 01:07:54.809
I'm sure you really heard of Jersey Shore. Yeah. Yeah. If you're familiar with Inside Edition, that was like back in the early 2000s when you like that. Yeah. Yeah. 18 and interviewed on Inside Edition, you had to be doing some kind of, you know, kind of like I say about my stroke, like, sure. There are plenty of people that are younger that have strokes. Yeah. Well, not a star, but I'm excellent at doing things that are not always for the best, I guess. I learned everything hard. But that's Yeah. Yeah. Definitely the hard way, which I I feel like I'm turning a corner, you know, and it's it's funny because you you mentioned the way you kinda ended your career felt like officially in the in in the space that you were in probably are not going to ever return to that. And it's interesting because I'm actually this is how much of a maniac I am. I can't not do things. I can't not go a 100,000 miles an hour. Again, I'm like I'm the same way. I think that there's a lot of, alcoholics who are I mean, we drank to slow down because I don't know how to slow down. So, I'm very known for having to constantly be moving when I'm awake. So I have all these hobbies now, because I can't stop. Like I'm painting, sewing, all the things that I never thought I would do. I was more of a career, like, I'm gonna be a VP kind of person and now I'm like sewing and baking and this was not me. But you know what? I'm enjoying it, you know. That's awesome. That's awesome. I wish yeah. I think the alcoholism, but also I've been a plenty of stroke survivors now over the last 5 years since becoming one myself. Is that I mean, I don't know if it's because I live in Florida and a lot of snowbirds relocate here and everybody relocated here at the beginning of the pandemic.

01:07:56.389 --> 01:08:36.505
But I noticed the tendency amongst stroke survivors as well is that they are that were really pretty successful at some point or or at any point in their careers, strong willed people. Like, I don't Yeah. I mean, it's both. It's both, but a lot of people in groups that I meet that are actively trying to meet other survivors or get active or it's like not the not there's 2 kinds of social services. There's those that kind of get it and they're like, okay, I'm gonna figure this out or I wanna figure this out. And they go after it and they figure out the research. And then there's this feel sorry for themselves side that I do not enjoy.

01:08:37.204 --> 01:08:40.185
I've met people from both. And then All great.

01:08:40.899 --> 01:08:59.974
It is interesting how the alcoholics and the stroke survivors that are more sorta determined or resilient, they're also the people that couldn't stop moving at any point in their life. And then they kinda not stopping moving in their recovery because they're actively pursuing it. They're I met an 80 year old guy.

01:09:01.554 --> 01:09:05.394
Yeah. Had a stroke running and he still runs. Like, he's 80.

01:09:05.394 --> 01:09:44.850
He said pretty clearly he's not I mean, that's so many words. And run. I should be able to run then. Yep. Well Honestly, you know, I know this sounds annoying because you probably heard it. It takes time. I didn't run. I didn't start running after my stroke 3 years out. Like, you know, it took me 18 months to get out of the wheelchair. It took me another year at the gym to even summer of 20 2, I found breath work. That's actually been the biggest thing for me. And I don't know. I I'd never asked. Where are you? Where are you located? I'm in Sterling, Virginia. Oh, okay. Oh, I used to live near you. I was in Williamsburg, Virginia. Yeah. Of all places.

01:09:46.989 --> 01:09:49.970
But yeah. God, I had a point. What was it? What was it?

01:09:52.555 --> 01:10:02.975
That way that's gonna come back. Oh, running. Oh, yeah. Yeah. The running thing. Yeah. Oh, yeah. So it took other breath work in summer of 22.

01:10:03.609 --> 01:10:29.295
And so we're both East Coasters. I think a certain thing about West Coasters. Breath work was a term I never really got behind. Always really interested in, like, meditation, but meditation and breath work have actually been amazing helpers to me in my research for free. Meditation has been really important for me. Yeah. Breath work for me because I have a lot of, like, I know you talk a lot about mental health on your podcast.

01:10:29.354 --> 01:10:51.724
Like the it might be something interesting to you to look into. I read a bet book back that summer 22, breath by James Nestor. And it really opened honestly, if somebody had just said breath work was breathing exercises, I might have listened to them 20 or 30 years ago, but because everybody kept calling it breath work, I was like, yes. That's not for me.

01:10:51.724 --> 01:10:55.024
That's that's just some heavy crap that I don't care about.

01:10:55.724 --> 01:11:10.630
Yeah. Turns turned out. So I read the book and I go way down the rabbit hole as I use. I wish somebody would have told me in my, my teens, in my sports career, in any part of my life up until then. Yeah. Yeah.

01:11:11.090 --> 01:12:17.595
That obviously smoking was bad. I got that into that during college and high school, even playing sports, but like, I learned the power of breathing. I can optimize your breathing. I learned how to nasal breathe properly. My whole life. I thought I was congested. I didn't really, you could unplug your nose during sports and during like high school sports, man, I would have been a lot better. Well, even just like, yeah, like forcing yourself, like, you know, with the nasal breathing, like it takes work. It takes much like meditation. It doesn't happen overnight, but like, once you learn to the discipline, like, I and I think that's where us as alcoholics, we we have sort of a weird discipline. Right? We were so disciplined in our alcoholism because I don't know about you, but I kinda try like, I wasn't trying to be sneaky. I did I didn't really give I would meticulously plan, like, okay, after work because I work from home. I'm gonna go to the grocery store. I'm gonna get grocery stuff. I'm gonna get a sick pack today. I'll get a Yeah. Club pack tomorrow. Rollout because you don't wanna run out. The last thing you wanna do Oh, you do not wanna run out.

01:12:18.135 --> 01:13:01.488
Do not get me started on running out. Fridge, Rachel. Yeah. Yeah. And then you got the bottle of liquor just in case you run out of beers or the god forbid you run. Back up. Yeah. I know. Yeah. It was yeah. I guess I guess, you have 2 bees in a pod. Like, I guess oh, it's funny. I haven't heard too many alcoholics admit to their their sort of planning that way, but I I guess that it's really, for me because and deciding and deciding stuff and, like, I would get towards the end. So I had gone to detox once already. And then I started drinking again, like 2 months after that. And because I couldn't imagine spending the rest of my life without alcohol. So we'll start now.

01:13:01.488 --> 01:13:05.185
So I started drinking again. So I was I drank for another 8 months.

01:13:05.185 --> 01:13:35.614
And during that period when I thought that I was deceiving everybody around me, but I totally was not deceiving anybody. I would drink on the way to work, on the way home from work, at work, water bottle that was colored. So I just pour my wine in there, and I drink in my cubicle, like, all day long. And, I don't know how they didn't smell it. Maybe they did. I don't know. But when I would get home, like, so on the way home, I would stop

01:13:35.614 --> 01:14:12.560
11 and I would get these, like, those small boxes because you could stick them in places. So I would get a bunch of them and then I would take all of my work stuff upstairs into my closet when I got home. And in my closet, I would throw down one of them and then I put the empty inside my boots. So, you know, the tall knee high boots? Yep. 3 of them inside the inside there. So I just went to hell. I was hiding stuff everywhere, thinking nobody knew, everybody knew. You know what's funny? There's 2 things that are funny.

01:14:12.560 --> 01:14:19.460
Neither of which are funny. But so that I was 6 foot. I am super 8. So I I became really good and known for my chugging ability.

01:14:20.960 --> 01:14:32.234
I was always drinking beer and nobody really noticed her because I would chug a beer behind somebody's back. 2 seconds later, it'd be done. Right. I would just, like, I was fun like, I was literally the human funnel of beer.

01:14:32.234 --> 01:14:36.073
Yeah. Like, I could easily I remember in high school, we did this challenge.

01:14:36.073 --> 01:15:00.363
My buddy and I, we were, like, probably juniors and seniors in high school. We're like, let's see if we could half hour. And like back then we were like pretty not tolerant. Well, actually to be fair, I started drinking as a freshman. So if I senior year, I was pretty tolerant, but even the 6 pack challenge because you have to navigate parents. You have to navigate parents and like things like that. You can't be true. Yeah. You know, that was always the other thing.

01:15:00.984 --> 01:15:22.199
My beer and liquor, like same. I actually, I walk around these days with MS and strokes wherever I feel more. Do you feel people stare at me and think I'm drunk than I that people ever would have stared at me and thought I was drunk when I was actually was drunk. I hear that a lot from stroke survivors and vestibular. I think that they're drunk.

01:15:22.743 --> 01:16:42.975
Yeah. Yeah. It's I mean, it's it's it honestly, the first couple of years, I I always wear a hoodie because I'm maniacal lives in Florida that wears hoodies every day. But, I literally would, Did you finish the 6 packs in a half hour? Oh, yeah. Yeah. I did. But, so yes. By the when I was in my thirties, like, finishing a 6 pack, I was drinking a 6 pack an hour minimum because I was drinking the whole 20 pack after I put my kids to bed, after I finished everything. And so it is interesting, but here's here's the question I have for you. Okay. Do you find this this happens often? Have you talked to other alcoholics and experiences? If everybody knew, I don't know how you feel about it. You might feel differently, but I'm like, if everybody knew, why didn't anybody say anything? Because, like, my alcohol I think my stroke was sort of tied to the alcoholism. Yours is a little different, but, like, I don't know. When I see this now, like, the people that I think, like, I can't I can't not say anything, because I'm like, listen, bro. Like, I saw somebody recently. They they had so I had some venous deficits in my legs, which you could attribute to being 68, but also bad blood flow. Like, there were so many signs. I was so believe, like, 6, 8, and

01:16:42.975 --> 01:17:19.234
30 is still a swollen human being. Yeah. So, like, it's pretty low. When I see signs, like, redness and legs and certain certain visual cues that remind me, I always wanna caution people and, like, just reach out and be, like, hey, is everything alright? Because nobody stopped me stopped me, and I wish somebody would have stopped because I just wonder if if I had gotten the alcohol under control first, if if it would have helped in terms of, like, maybe it would have prevented my stroke because my stroke was probably due to, obviously, now I've been diagnosed with MS, no family history.

01:17:20.989 --> 01:17:32.029
As you like, a lot of things that have now since been reversed and cleared up in a lot of ways, but, like, if I had gotten the alcohol under control, if somebody hits us today, man, here's what's gonna happen.

01:17:32.029 --> 01:17:35.649
Get the alcohol under control or you're gonna have a stroke at age 37.

01:17:36.284 --> 01:19:15.229
And if I knew at that point how serious stroke was and and hard it actually is to overcome, I might have stopped. I, I mean, when I was in college, my sorority sisters told said that I was, they thought I was an alcoholic. And I was like, I was offended that they would call me names like that. Like, I I'll listen. Same. When I got older, like my brother said to me, you're killing yourself. And I was like, you know, I'm not killing myself. And I didn't, I, I was, I was literally poisoning myself and that's what, you know, I had a friend who I what I have known my whole life. I went to I was in 5th grade with him and he passed away 3 years ago from alcoholism. He just drank himself to death. I didn't know you could do that, but you can. And it's, it happens over and over and over again in my people are there one day and the next day they're not. They relapsed and they didn't make it out. So I don't think I would have done any nobody could have gotten me sober. I've had to, I had to be put up against the decision of or you give up drinking or you're gonna die because I was gonna die. Like, my liver was actually starting to shut down. And I waited till the last second to stop drinking.

01:19:16.170 --> 01:19:53.594
I, I can relate to that so much because again, they don't know what caused my but I just, I remember like, Yeah. December of 2019, we had moved into this house, September of 2019. Brand new house had finally gotten settled. And the last month and a half, I just started feeling like shit, but I kept drinking through it. I kept smoking through it. Yeah. And I think I literally I think actually the stroke saved my life because there was gonna be 2 things either I was gonna die or I have a stroke. I think I figured it kind of what it came down to. And luckily Did you have a stroke when you were in the hospital? I did.

01:19:53.654 --> 01:20:32.895
I did. I was actually so because of the leg I had a venous leg ulcer, which is I think was a bug thing in 2018 that would basically, like, a wound that wouldn't heal. But because my blood flow was so bad, I had the redness in the legs, plus I had no open wound. I went to get that checked out. They checked my blood pressure. But as you can imagine, drinking a 20 pack of ice house for an extended period of time, number of years, drink my drink it practically, but only probably skipped a few days in that time. And so they're like, did you know your blood pressure is through the roof? I'm like I mean, I look back now and I'm like, well, £530. Of course, there's fucking there's a roof.

01:20:33.779 --> 01:20:46.279
Yeah. Yeah. But but but, yeah, at the time, I didn't realize that, like, yeah, go to the hospital. You you need to get some medication so that it comes down. Went to the hospital, thought I would get a handful of pills, choke them down, be be on my merry way to go home and drink.

01:20:47.354 --> 01:21:39.199
And lo and behold, they they had me on some heart monitors. They detected afib, which I had no idea I had because I was so big. I just couldn't feel it. They admitted me to the hospital. They were I was I went happily. It's like, they're they're like, oh, well, we can reverse this. You just have to be admitted to the hospital. We'll do the procedure to get your heart back and sinus rhythm. We'll get you on a treatment to, like, get your blood pressure under control. Everything should be good. I got admitted on Saturday. I think it was, like, December 20 read the dates exactly. I was at to look back. So they've had me on heart monitors. They were monitoring me sometime in the next 24 hours because I was gonna go that Monday to into the have the procedure done that Sunday. I had a stroke in the hospital. Nobody noticed. Nobody had any idea.

01:21:40.875 --> 01:22:16.154
Might have had a stroke because my face was drooping. I had all these visual signs, but because she's deaf, they didn't listen to her. I pushed her aside and said, hey. I'm fine. I didn't have a stroke. My daughter was in high school in 16. She didn't really know, but she knew something was great. But, like, right before Christmas, so, like, the staff there, we just assumed they knew best and, Yeah. Of course. Behold, they go in the next morning to do the procedure to reverse my AFib, and they then determined I had a stroke and it was too late for tPA.

01:22:16.295 --> 01:22:19.619
So Right. Right. Yeah. Really unfortunate.

01:22:21.039 --> 01:22:50.239
Get it. You know, it was it was hospital. I mean, you were going like this. You were just on the decline. I was on the decline and yeah. Thank goodness you went in there. Yeah. And then the unfortunate thing was I was then they got diagnosed c sleep apnea as well. So I had no idea how to day fit sleep. All these things apparently COPD that I didn't find out till, like, 2 years after my Oh, really? I have the most colorful chart in the history of medic well, probably not history.

01:22:50.500 --> 01:23:35.015
A pretty sadly impressive chart for a 37 year old at the time. But Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So I know we've been talking for a while. I wanna let you go because I know I really do appreciate you taking the time. I think there's a lot of important things people can learn from your story. You know, I wanna commend you. I think I think, honestly, as a stroke survivor and alcoholic, I think you're doing a tremendous job. I think people need to hear both sides of the the story. I do more of both stories because not everybody to talk about it. I think, you know, there's a good amount of stroke servers now doing podcasts. I'm sure there's a millions of alcoholics out there who are probably Yeah. Already talking about it. I always hear about it. You know, I think it's important work.

01:23:35.015 --> 01:23:38.715
It kind of goes on seen and unheard sometimes, but yeah.

01:23:40.854 --> 01:23:54.319
Oh, again, your podcast is the sorry. Give me the name again. It's Recovery. My notes, but I couldn't scroll up. It's science touch. Recovery daily podcast. Recovery daily podcast. Yeah. This I do I thought this was what it was, but I didn't wanna get it wrong.

01:23:54.319 --> 01:24:01.685
And my my right hand with its deficits still doesn't want scroll up sometimes. Right. It just it were it were in opportunity.

01:24:02.145 --> 01:24:05.744
Yeah. When I want it to work, it won't work, but, Right. I gotcha.

01:24:05.744 --> 01:24:39.555
Again, I wanted to thank you for your time. Yeah. Thank you for having me. I really enjoyed our conversation and same to you. Your story is really inspiring. I think that people would be interested to hear more about that. People in Dole recovery, I think is, I mean, the work that is being put in is just fascinating. People don't usually have to put in that kind of work to live, you know? Yes. We do it every day. So yeah. Yes. Definitely not easy.

01:24:39.555 --> 01:24:57.154
So you being here and, yeah, everybody go check out Rachel's podcast and check out all her info. She's got a great website. Kudos to that. But I guess you worked in marketing, so you know web the web world pretty well. It's But yeah. Awesome. Thank you, Rachel, for for being here. I'm gonna hit stop recording and yeah.